14th August, 2004 – My Little Heroes
DEAR DIARY, I'm a very proud mother today. My children did the most fabulous thing yesterday and I'm still walking on air.
Daniel and Dean were going to their grandparents to help clear their back garden. My mum and dad get the boys to come down on Fridays to do various chores. On their way there, they noticed a little boy walking along the street, but they noticed that the boy was tiny; far too small for a child to be unaccompanied by an adult. Also, this little boy was topless, wearing just shorts. They knew something was wrong when they also noticed that the boy was shoe-less, he had nothing on his tiny little feet.
11th July, 2004 – She's Too Young & Pretty
DEAR DIARY, I feel so ashamed of myself. I'm jealous because the new girl at work is 10 years younger than me and beautiful. I've been at Engineering Design for almost two years and I've been the only girl amongst five men the whole time. The guys at work are all older than me and I am completely put on a pedestal all day, every day.
23rd April, 2004 – This is Not Disneyland
DEAR DIARY, I've got mice. Not pets; these are unwanted visitors. The ground has been disturbed in the house next door. Our rich next door neighbours are making major refurbishments so the house has been practically gutted while the Fernleigh's move to their country house whilst the mice roam homeless into other people's back gardens and subsequently into any little crevice they can find into our back-to-back homes.
14th April, 2004 – The New Best Seller
DEAR DIARY, my playboy brother Costa has decided to write a book called Straight Talking to the Ladies. It's a book to iron out silly ideas women have about men and what men think or say about women behind closed doors. He said that he's going to say things that will make other men cringe. He says he's doing women a favour so that they're fully informed as to what they're getting themselves into by falling prey to men. He said he ought to be rewarded for his bravery! I personally think my brother's talking out of the crack of his what's it, but I'm just a girl; what do I know!
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12th April, 2003 – Daddy's Little Bitch
DEAR DIARY, my cousin Sophie has been complaining for a good while about her step daughter Chloe. They're not getting along and it's causing major problems between herself and her husband because as far as her husband's concerned, Chloe is daddy's Princess who can do no wrong where as Sophie knows otherwise.
2nd April, 2003 – Effing & Blinding
DEAR DIARY, I have a confession to make which might make things difficult for me when I get to the gates of Heaven (or the gates of my mum and dad's house). My confession is I appreciate swear words – they have their place. I do have a very good on/off switch and my swearing hardly ever hits the ears of children and my elders and I'm also respectful of people of a delicate disposition and professional situations. As for overly-sensitive people who are easily shocked and offended, well swearing's wasted on them. You might as well save it for people who like a bit of effing & blinding!
1st March, 2003 – You Get One Chance to Make a First Impression
DEAR DIARY, I walked to the lift a few days ago when I was leaving the office and a man walked towards to the lift too. When the lift arrived, he stood back to let me in first. At first I didn't realise he was being a gentleman, I thought he was waiting for the lift that was doing down, but he made a small gesture with his hand which made me realise he was doing the "ladies first" thing. I was so taken aback at his act of chivalry, I walked like a deaf mute into the lift. The voice in my head said say thank you, but nothing came out and for the whole 12 floors I stood in shameful silence. I wanted to say to the back of his head thank you; sorry I was miles away, but thank you. I was dreading the moment when he got out of the lift because then I would know for sure that he would walk out of my life and forever think I was an ungrateful stuck up bitch. He would probably never do that again, or then again, if he is a real gentleman, he will do that again. Oh God, I hope I haven't ruined him into a man who'd never be a gentleman again!
11th July, 2002 – What is Love?
DEAR DIARY, I don't understand why so many people say they don't know what love is or there's no such thing as love. It's there all around us and I'm not talking exclusively about romantic love. I'm sure most people can name more than two people who they love and vice-versa..
28th April, 2002 – Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls
DEAR DIARY, Lisa Left Eye Lopes died in car crash in Honduras a few days ago. She was one third of the popular and successful female group TLC whose other band members were T Boz (Tionne Watkins) and Chilli (Rozonda Thomas).
One of my favourite songs performed by TLC is the song called Waterfalls.
27th March, 2002 – A Night of the Oscars
DEAR DIARY, this week, Halle Berry and Denzel Washington came away from the Academy Awards clutching their Oscars. Halle for Best Actress in Monster's Ball and Denzel for Best Actor in Training Day. This was not Denzel's first Oscar. He won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor in his role in Glory.
25th November, 2001 – Reverend Such-and-Such
DEAR DIARY, who do you turn to when the church betrays you? Worst still, the corruption unravels itself at a funeral. I can't think of much worse than a lying clergyman at a funeral – what a combination!
This is the story; my Aunt had a fight with cancer. Unfortunately, with additional ill health and age not on her side, she fought and lost. The family laid her to rest and followed her wishes to hold the service at the church she attended for the past 12 years, the Holy Fellowship of something or other in Peckham, south east London.
11th September, 2001 – Towering Inferno
DEAR DIARY, as someone who works irregular hours, I sleep mostly during the day time.
I'm very bad for the environment because I sleep with my TV on. It's an old habit which comes from my fear of sleeping in complete silence and darkness. Like most children, I shared a bedroom with my sisters and when the second one left home when I was 18, I didn't enjoy the silence at bedtime. I either had the radio on all night or the TV and it's carried on since then.
26th August, 2001 – A Song Bird
DEAR DIARY, the singer Aaliyah died today. She died in a horrific plane crash along with the pilot and all the passengers which means there are many more lives to be mourned in the days, weeks, months and years to come.
3rd July, 2001 – Children Killing Children
DEAR DIARY, my brain cannot comprehend murder. As much as I think I could be capable of murder out of rage, I don't know if I could live with myself with someone's blood on my hands. In the film A Time to Kill, Samuel L Jackson played the character Carl Lee Hailey who's daughter was brutalised by two men who were later heard bragging about what they did to her. Carl Lee Hailey kills the perpetrators on the steps of the courthouse. I often wonder why this doesn't happen more often but I think fundamentally, people don't want to actually commit murder, they just want justice..
22nd July, 2000 – Flirting
DEAR DIARY, I like flirting. My sister Sheba is a champion flirter and she's helping me fine tune the art. It's called non-gender-specific flirting. Specific flirting is sexual, with the outcome generally being something to do with exchanging numbers and planning on meeting sometime in the near future. Non-gender-specific flirting takes you on a slightly different route.
21st June, 2000 – Proverbs
DEAR DIARY, my friend Victor said to me today, August, life is too short. I said no Victor, life is too long. It's a bitch and then you die. It's long and it can go on for a very long time. It can go on and on and on until you're ninety-seven, you've taken leave of your senses, you're deaf in one ear, your spine is so curved that you can't see the sky anymore and you're so blind, you can't tell whether it's day or night. You constantly have trapped wind, your dentures slip and you can't eat solids, you have crippling arthritis, all your friends are dead, your grandchildren don't visit anymore because you smell and talk to yourself and THEN you die. You die intestate. The government take all your money and sell your possessions and spend the money on street lamps and pavements!
12th May, 2000 – Skin and Bones
DEAR DIARY, what has happened to women recently? They want to be skin and bones. Don't they know that rack of ribs is not a good look? Also, I must add, they're not just going about their daily lives hiding their rack of ribs, but they're taking off tops and doing photo shoots and strutting up and down catwalks like they're not hungry. They're posing for pictures saying don't I look fabulous darling! Well no Miss Wishbone, you look like how you look; poorly, starving and miserable, just like poorly, starving, miserable people in poor countries who have no choice but to be poorly, starving and miserable. In fact, you look worse than the faminites because you're combining your appearance with expensive designer wear, lip-gloss, coifed hair and showing me your hungry belly and your razor sharp ribs accompanied by your orthodontified smile.
21st April, 2000 – The Blind Date
DEAR DIARY, as a woman in my 20s, I should know better. I've never accepted a blind date in my life because of the stigma attached to them. But I'd agreed to one and the day of reckoning came quicker than you could say Jack Robinson. Alarm bells started ringing from the time I stepped out of the bath. They were still ringing as I got dressed and they continued to ring as I left the house. I should have cancelled, but sadly I didn't. I assumed it was better than watching TV from the sofa with my dinner on my lap. Besides, getting dressed up midweek is a novelty. My dress looked at me and said where in the hell do you think you're going sister? My strappy heels couldn't believe they were being pulled out of the shoe-box on a Wednesday.
12th March, 2000 – Agony Aunt
DEAR DIARY, sometimes, I think I ought to be an Agony Aunt. I've got so much unsolicited advice in my head; it's as if I hear voices. But I'd like to be the Agony Aunt from straight-talking Hell, just for a day. Cut all that there-there-there foolishness
If someone wrote to me and said: Dear August, my girlfriend is cheating on me. I confronted her and she admitted everything after weeks of interrogation. I thought I could forgive her; I'm both heart-broken and filled with rage. All we do these days is argue. We can't get along, she's always defensive and now she's sleeping in the spare room. I have no respect or trust for her anymore.
15th February, 2000 – Did She Say Happy Valentine's Day?
DEAR DIARY, my show off friend Brenda called me this morning to find out what I did on Valentine's day. She was the only friend and I use the term loosely, who called to find out if I had a nice Valentine's day? What sort of dumb-arse question is that? She didn't ask me if I had a nice Christmas with as much enthusiasm. I'm single, so she knows it couldn't have been that great. Did she want to find out if I sent myself a Valentine's card? Did I buy myself flowers? How was my candle lit dinner for one? Did my hands reach far enough down my back for my sensual back rub?
1st February, 2000 – Friends
DEAR DIARY, these words hit me yesterday; "only choose to marry a man who you would choose as a friend if he were a woman." It came at me from the pages of Iyanla Vanzant's book Acts of Faith. In all my adult years, it only just occurred to me where I'd been going wrong in terms of boy/girl relationships time and time again. He's not been my friend!
If you don't already have it installed (although 95% of you already do!), you'll need this ...
