A Fire Hazard my A***!

I was told off at work by my manager. I resent being told off, even when I’m wrong so I defended my position and decided to be self righteous about it.

I arranged to meet my friend after work, but he was going to meet me one hour after my finishing time so to burn some time, I decided to put some curls in my hair by using my curling irons.

I knew that the meeting room would be empty all day so I left my curling irons and mirror on the desk.

It was just my luck that the Health & Safety inspector was doing a check around the building to make sure that we didn’t have any dangerous equipment lying around and all our electricals were in good working order.

When the Health & Safety snooper left, my supervisor came into our office and said does anyone know who these curling irons belong to? I said me and nothing else was said. Nothing until my manager said August, can I have a quick word please. So I said sure. She said would you like to come into my office. I said no! She thought I was joking. I didn’t want to go into her office so I said no, what am I lying for? She looked at me as if she was expecting something to happen but I just sat there. There was a long silence so I said to her what’s the matter? She then said you can’t leave your curling irons lying around on the desk. I said why not. She said it’s a fire hazard. A fire hazard my a***! So I said to her which part of my tongs are a fire hazard if they’re not plugged in? When you have your box of Marlboro Lights sitting on the desk, is that a fire hazard? No it’s not because it’s not lit. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Well of course she looked at me like she wanted to punch me in the face.

Oh well, I guess I’ll be seeing my P45 for some bullsh*t reason very soon. Either that or my manager’s gonna tell me some crap about downsizing and demotion.

D'Angelo... No!

I'll tell you this for nothing. He ain't getting none of my 'Brown Sugar' looking like that. If D'Angelo asked me for any sugar, I'd tell him it's finished; it was stolen; I can't remember where I left it; I lent it to my sister!

D'Angelo's got himself in trouble with the law. He was cruising around in his car a few weeks ago when he spotted an undercover police woman who he mistook for a prostitute. He offered the hooker/police woman $40 for o*** sex and got himself arrested. Unfortunately, this isn't his first brush with the law... oh no! But I'm not going to hang out all his dirty laundry right now.

Maybe if he still looked like this...

...he wouldn't be paying for sex. He wouldn't even have to ask.

Breakfast, lunch & dinner in a bottle

Nadine Coyle, singer with the pop group Girls Aloud looks incredibly thin these days. Nadine said about her weight loss that she's not on a diet, it's nothing to worry about. She's always had thin legs and she comes from a slim family!

She can say what she likes; I don't think what she's defending herself with is a good enough reason to look like she's sufferintg from malnutrition.

She's so unnaturally thin right now, she looks like she'd snap like a Twiglet.

GIRLS ALOUD

An August Moment

A passage for he or she who gives love, has love, wants to share love, are receiving love and in need of some good love.

I AM THERE FOR YOU

The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence.

When our mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers. If you love someone but rarely make yourself available to him or her, that is not true love.

When your beloved is suffering, you need to recognise her suffering, anxiety and worries and just doing that, you already offer some relief.

Mindfulness relieves suffering because it's filled with understanding and compassion. When you are really there, sowing your loving-kindness and understanding, the energy of the Holy Spirit is in you.

A passage from Living Buddha, Living Christ - Thich Nhat Hanh

But I love him daddy

When I was a teenager, my dad said I could date anyone except a deadlocked Rasta. He said he doesn't want 'no weed-smoking, Ital eating, jerk pork hating Rastafari' brainwashing his "baby"and encouraging me to 'burn down Babylon'!

I thought about being defiant, but every time I wore anything that resembled red, gold & green, my dad would reach for his blood-pressure tablets and I really didn't want to be the reason for my mother becoming a widow.

That's not a compliment!

My son told me yesterday that his History Tutor said to him "Mayfield Junior, you might be more handsome than your older brother, but you're crap at History son"!

Well words can't express how overjoyed 'Mayfield Junior' was.

I've obviously failed miserably as a mother. Social Services may as well come right now, take down my particulars and put me on The Watch List because I could have done better. Who knew I would raise a vainglorious boy when I thought I trained him to be a Bachelor of Science and History. I'm beginning to question whether or not he's really mine. He looks nothing like me.

If he was really my son, he'd be apologising and praying to Jesus to get his grades up... but oh no, he's running around the living room shouting to his brother 'IN YOUR FACE' instead of getting out his books.

Broken Promise... just for laughs

A shy, apprehensive man attended an appointment with the urologist.

In the examining room, he said to the doctor, 'please don't laugh'!

'Of course I won't laugh' the doctor said. 'I'm a professional. In more than twenty years, I've never laughed at one of my patients.'

'Okay then,' the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen.

It wasn't any bigger than, an AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor, banging the ground with the palm of his hand, holding his stomach and laughing hysterically. Five minutes later, the doctor was finally able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

'I'm so sorry' he said. 'I really am sir'. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it will never happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen' the man replied.

Back on the floor went the urologist.

Telephone - Lady Gaga

Apparently, Lady Gaga's video is "too explicit" for TV.

One newspaper says: the video is full of "graphic violence, nudity, expletives, a lesbian kiss and mass murder."

The paper went on to say "Gaga and Beyonce's antics are irresponsible. They're over-paid, over-rated, a bad example to young women and someone should sack the stylist."

OK, cool... we can watch it here then!

I refuse to trust he who wears Argos jewellery

I was watching documentary maker Louis Theroux doing a programme about plastic surgery and that level of vanity scares me. I'm happy to look at myself through a magnifying mirror but that scalpel stuff - not for me.

I doubt I could undergo plastic surgery because I have a fear of operations. I had two very painful ops in the past – cesareans; and if I ever got pregnant again, that foetus would have to stay in there until medical science finds a way of the baby coming out through my nostril the size of a pea.

If I were to consider elected surgery, it would only be for the implantation of a SatNav. Wow... I could be on to something there!

Anyway, I vowed that if my foot were to drop off, I'd quite happily fore-go an operation and take some Paracetamol, spray Dettol on the affected area and hop around with tissue stuffed in my shoe.

If I don't age very well I'll just drape some intricate lace over my mirrors to give me the illusion that I'm looking at myself with movie star lighting and special effects.

I digress... where was I? Oh yes, plastic surgery.

While watching the programme, I noticed that the doctor who prominently featured in the documentary looked like he'd done a lot of poor standard work on himself. His face was stretched to capacity and he really didn't look a pretty sight. Funnily enough it wasn't purely the operations on the programme which turned me off. Nor the state of the doctors' face. Even looking at the surgeon's work in progress made me think what were some of his patients thinking when the surgeon put in fake pectoral muscles which made the men who underwent surgery look like they had C cup breasts.

The main thing that put me off Dr Plastic von Surgeonberg was his garish jewellery. He was wearing the most common-looking gold sovereign ring and a great big chunky gold bracelet... who me? A snob? Never! It was the kind of clumsy, ugly jewellery you'd expect to see on a darts player or a football hooligan.

If a surgeon came to me, drawing felt-tip lines all over my body wearing cheap gold, I'd be up off the gurney and running down the corridor with my bottom flapping out the back of my gown without a second look!