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Grandmother has fallen in love with her Grandson

Sadly, it's true. A grandmother has freely admitted that she's in love with her grandson and her grandson is in love her her.

Oh how I wish hell would just open up and swallow these incestuous sons-of-b*tches!



72 year old biddy Pearl said she's never been happier. She's ecstatic because she's in love with her 26-year-old grandson, Phil Bailey.

Old age Pensioner Pearl from Indiana in the United States is using her state benefits to pay a surrogate mother so that her and her grandson can have a child together.

As far as Pearl's concerned, she has absolutely no interest whatsoever in what anyone else thinks about their union. She said she's in love with Phil and Phil's in love with her.

She also said that soon they'll be holding their baby son or daughter in their arms and her Phil will be a proud daddy.

Phil is the son of Pearl's daughter Lynette Bailey - who she put up for adoption when she was 18-years-old.

When his mother died, Phil tracked down his long lost grandmother and they met and fell in love.

If I see Phil and Pearl when I'm in Death's Waiting Room, they better use the opposite door to mine because if I'm in the queue behind them walking towards a door that says "ENTER", I'll know there and then that any minute now, I'll be riding in a fast car to hell.

There's hope for us all

My sister and her husband are good friends with a couple who live at the end of their road.

My sister complained about her neighbour Alan in the past because Alan wasn't exactly what we'd call a sophisticated man and he was quite bullish towards his wife. She also complained about Alan's wife and said she was a bit of a fire-cracker. Stubborn, feisty, swore like a sailor and sometimes overbearing. So if my sister and her husband shared an evening with the couple, as much as they liked them as individuals and they got along well as two couples, my sister Sheba said she'd return home exhausted because Alan and Cheryl insisted on fighting; one-upmanship and cussing the life out of one another all day and all night long.

Sheba said initially it was entertaining but the joke's worn off now.

About 18 months ago, Alan was made redundant and decided that there must be more to life and went off by himself to seek some Life Coaching. Shortly after his first session, he decided to change his profession, change his ways and change his whole outlook on life. Alan did this as a solo effort and left Cheryl to continue her life as it was. But Alan's change was remarkable. He was driven, decisive, considerate, loving, caring and patient. The new Alan became such a delight for Cheryl that she did everything in her power to maintain this new and improved Alan so Cheryl also decided to book twelve sessions with a Life Coach.

The new and improved couple said that changing their outlook on life has changed them both for the better and they're much happier.

I guess there's hope for us all. When life isn't working for us; if we're mindful, we have the ability to make a choice to change our way of thinking, being and doing. Even a little change sometimes can make a huge difference

Election

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem' said the MP, 'just let me in'. 'Well, I'd like to' said St. Peter, 'but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules'. And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club-house and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly and nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realises it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. Now it's time to visit heaven. So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ' Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bin bags as more rubbish falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club-house and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a waste-land full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... Today you voted!

I'm sure we can find this person a job somewhere?

Resumay / Sea-Vee

To hoom it mae cunsern:

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person. Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spellign is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN

PS. Because my resumay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.



Employer's response:

Dear Bryan,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

See you Monday.

Fatorexia! I see Slim People...

I swear I can't keep up with these descriptive trends and new fandangled words. It's bad enough trying to decipher people's text messages these days. What with LOL (laugh out loud), ZUP (what's up?), WTF (what the f***), CW8 (can't wait), L8R (later), RUS (are you serious?), @TEOTD (at the end of the day), 1DR (I wonder), NFW (no f**** way)! And sometimes they even kiss both my cheeks to say goodbye via text message with 'mwa-mwa'. Getting my head around initals and morse code is frying my brains. Or should I say FMB!

Now I have to wrap my head around terms like metrosexuals (men in tune with their feminine side but not gay), surgeorac (a lover of plastic surgery), lesbicons (a "straight" woman who kisses women after a few drinks), nine-to-five gangsters (people who work by day and hussle by night) and fatorexics (fat woman, thin reflection).

This new one on me is fatorexics. A delusional woman who looks in the mirror and sees a toned beautiful Halle Berry instead of... well I guess a polite way to put it is something more like Norbit's wife.

Who am I to talk anyway? Every week, I look in the mirror and think I look beautiful. I have a vainglorious conversation with the mirror all the time. I often wake up, see my reflection and I'm one hundred percent convinced that I'm gorgeous... good enough to eat. I say to myself, 'Miss Mayfield, you look like all things bright and beautiful'.

'Mwa-Mwa'

My Shattered Illusions!

I saw the most gorgeous specimen of a man on the tube this morning. He seemed like the kind of thing you see on a Sean John catwalk and not on the Northern Line getting on at Clapham South!



He smelt gorgeous and if you know anything about me, you'll know that I love the smell of a clean man giving off the aroma of Calvin Klein cologne.

When he got on the tube, I made sure that I faced him in a way that I wouldn't be directly staring at him. I wanted to be seen without obviously looking like I wanted to be seen!

I saw him glancing at me several times and from the expression on his face, he liked what he saw thank God. To think I was going to wear my green dress this morning; it kinda makes me look like Kermit the Frog so I'm so glad I opted for hues of blue. Blue makes me look like I'm not trying too hard!

We'd been travelling for about 15 minutes when the carriage started clearing and we were able to sit down. I sat down first and two stops later he sat beside me.

Well Lord have his Mercy... this man had the courage to start a conversation with me. He was talkative and inquisitive; asking where I lived, where I worked, where was I off to this morning, where I originated from. He even said he liked my jewellery and said my ring was unique. And then he stuck his little finger up his nose, stirred it around like he was stirring cream in a coffee cup, pulled his finger out, looked at the bogey, rolled it between his thumb and little finger and flicked it on the floor.

I jumped off the tube like the devil was chasing me. If the doors didn't open in that second, I would have prized it apart and jumped out anyway. I hadn't even arrived at my destination but that didn't stop me; three stops too early was all good. All I know is I was in a hurry to put distance between me and that dirty son of a b*tch.

What a disappointment... being chatted up by the Bogey Man!

She's in Barbados but her boss thinks she's in bed with a chest infection!

My cousin Sophia went to Barbados for a one week getaway with her boyfriend Martin.

Her boyfriend is a DJ and was playing at a wedding in Bridgetown. The bride and groom were paying for EVERYTHING and Martin was staying in a 5 star, all-inclusive hotel. So at Martin's suggestion, Sophia decided that she'd tag along for a fabulous holiday. All she had to do was pay for her ticket.

Sophia had a little bit of a dilemma though. She didn't have enough holiday dates to take off from work so she decided to call in sick and told her boss that she'd be off for a week because she had a chest infection. Only it's day 9 now and Sophia's stranded in Barbados because her flight back home has been cancelled until next Monday due to the Icelandic Eyjafjallajokull volcanic eruption and the volcanic ash floating around the airways. By the way, I don't know how to pronounce Eyjafjallajokull either; I'm just showing off!!

I hate to say it, but I told her so. I told her, I told her, I told her. I said Soph, ask for unpaid leave or say that someone died abroad or something; anything other than taking a sickie. But oh no... she doesn't tell a little white lie, she goes and tells a great big whopper and now she's going to get the sack or she'll have to tell a bigger lie to cover the original lie to keep her job and before you know it, Sophia's on a broke woman's road to hell!

When I spoke to her last night, they were having a brilliant time. She was sunbathing in her bikini, sipping a Mojito, on a boat, on her mobile in the middle of the Caribbean sea. I guess she'd better enjoy her little taste of paradise because when she gets back next week, she won't be in the middle of the Caribbean, she'll be in the middle of a tribunal, grovelling for her job!

I've won!

...or have I?

Well in fact, I don't think I have. How could I win something and then be asked for my credit card or debit card details?

This is what happened. I entered a competition. I enter so many I can't even remember where I saw it. All I know is the man on the other end of the phone very excitedly told me that I was a winner and my wonderful prize was a pampering session for the day which ends with a free photo-shoot.

I love being a winner, so I was very happy and almost as excited as the man on the phone giving me the good news. He explained that I could have a date of my choosing up until July 2010 and I could invite a guest but the guest had to pay for all the things I was getting for free. Already, I couldn't imagine inviting my sister Sheba, saying to her you can come along but I pay for nothing and you pay for EVERYTHING!

Anyway, the man still had excitement in his voice when he told me to arrive in the morning without products in my hair and no make up. I would then be given a full makeover, a hair re-style and some clothes. I said to him that I didn't want anyone touching my hair, not even to brush it. My hair belongs to my hairdresser Pauline and no one else is allowed to come within two inches of it. I think he thought I was joking because there was silence on the other end of the phone and then a little false laugh. He then continued to say in order to secure the date, I had to pay a £100 deposit.

Say what? One hundred of my pounds. Oh hell no! Not this this girl. I said to him but I thought I won. He said yes, but in order to secure the date we have to collect a deposit. I said to him "no, not on this occasion you don't" and hung up the phone.

I wasn't born yesterday, nor the day before!

Just Jokes!

I've just been outside and I got hit on the head by a bag of frozen peas, a frozen pizza, a Black Forest gateau and a garlic baguette.

It must be the fall-out from Iceland!

Is this your first time?

I guess it'll be your last!

Exes with Voices

I have two friends who find themselves in identical predicaments. They’re both married to husbands who, in their words, need to stop acting like a little boy and MAN UP.


The men in both cases are good men. Neither one of them could ever be accused of being a wot-less waste-man. They’re family men, loyal, kind-hearted and in all honesty, they’re both adorable. The kind of men who give single spinsters hope that there really are good men out there.

But the one problem shared between the two or even four is this. Both men have ex-girlfriends who won't vamoose and get the frig out of here. The exes insist on clinging on to men who don't want them simply for old times sake. If you open the door, ex is on the doorstep. When you get on the bus, ex is driving it. When you board the train, ex is checking tickets. If you buy a newspaper, ex is the vendor. If you pick up the land-line, ex is on the other end of the phone. If you look at your mobile, ex has sent a text and if you open your laptop, ex has sent you an email. Both ex girlfriends are like salt... they’re EVERYWHERE!

It’s high time that both men dot the i’s and cross the t’s and tell the exes that it really is over, even though it's been over for a long time, it's OVER.

One friend said that she just wants her husband to understand that there’s nothing more unattractive than watching another woman tell him how high to jump. There’s nothing worse than another woman messing with their plans and there’s nothing worse than the behaviour of another woman being the reason why he’s sleeping on the sofa and she’s alone in the middle of the bed. She has to watch him get nagged, bullied, manipulated and trampled on by an 'ex who's an ex for a reason'.

The current wives just want one thing and it’s this. They want their man to be a man and stand up to the ex by saying THIS IS THE LAST TIME, THE LAST DAY, THE LAST HOUR AND THE LAST MINUTE THAT YOU TRY TO TAKE THE P*SS WITH ME. I’M NOT YOUR ANYTHING ANYMORE. MY ONE OBLIGATION WHERE YOU'RE CONCERNED IS TO MY CHILDREN. ANYTHING OUTSIDE OF THAT BOUNDARY AND YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN. DO NOT CROSS THIS LINE AND DO NOT LET ME HAVE TO TELL YOU AGAIN! THIS IS THE POLITE VERSION AND THE OTHER VERSION IS POSITIVELY UGLY... YOU GET ME?

That's it. End of story. Man the Frig UP!

Jill Scott - Hater

I adore Jill Scott. For me, she sings about the most important elements of womanhood. Her words really talk about love, joy, pain, strength, hatred and the fabulousness of being a woman.

The song Hater reminds me of when I emerged 'stronger and better' from a point in my life where I was feeling badly treated by someone who really didn't matter anymore.



Jill Scott LIVE covering I'm Still In Love With You by Al Green

An August Moment

A good friend
is one who dislikes
the same people as you!

A Slap in the Face!

I stole a two hour lunch break yesterday. Considering it was a Sunday, I figured I deserved an extra hour on my lunch hour so I decided to go down the shops for a bit of window shopping.

I have a love-hate affair with window shopping. I see all the things I want to buy and I hate it, but I love it because I don’t spend a penny which is all good.

In my former life, I think I was a Magpie because I’m always drawn to bright shiny things. So you can imagine I was in my element heading for the shops to see all the fabulous colours of the Spring/Summer collection. Yellow handbags, orange shoes, red dresses, floral blouses and jewellery galore.

I decided to take a shortcut to the High street but lost my way and ended up down a pathway. It wasn’t exactly a dodgy alley-way but I wouldn't want to venture down there by myself on a dark night.

Saw a couple walking together so I felt safe. As I got closer, I noticed that they were in the middle of an argument. The man was grabbing the woman’s wrist and she was pushing him away and then I heard “CLAP”. The man gave her a full open-handed slap in the mouth... and then they saw me.

I glared right in the man's face and stared him down. He must have thought he could intimidate me by flaring his nostrils at me. I said to myself "if he thinks he’s gonna slap me, he’s going to find himself dazed and confused with a knot on his head" and cut my eye off him. Trampy cowardly b*stard!

I carried on walking in shock. What the hell did he think he was doing in broad daylight? I then saw the window of the Oasis store and forgot about the fighting couple because I was mesmerised by a blue dress on a mannequin. I ran across the road like my life depended on it and started salivating.


Stolen lunch break was over so I headed back to work but I took the nosey route back down the pathway where I saw the wife beater. I couldn’t help wondering what happened next. Well you could have knocked me down with a feather! They were locked together... slurping each other's faces off like it was their last day on earth!

All I know is I should have reached out and slapped the woman my damn self. God only knows what he gets for giving her a black eye; a feel inside her bra? Maybe if he throws her down the stairs he gets to have sex.

I should have given her my business card...

The August Mayfield Diaries

Too Much Bloody Choice

I'm tearing my hair out over redecorating my lounge and I really can't afford to lose hair; I've just had my hairdresser put some very expensive colours through it and I don't want to go around the house on my hands and knees collecting hairs and gluing it in.

Read more ...

It's never too late to apologise

Saying sorry goes a long long way to ease the discomfort and unhappiness we often cause people.

Unfortuntely, sorry seems like a particularly difficult thing to say but once you say it, you release yourself and the person or people you make your apologies to.

Very often, people are more readily able to offer forgiveness if someone acknowledges the pain they've caused. Something so simple like bumping into someone accidentally can be handled in two very different ways. You bump, walk off, cuss a little and make someone feel like everybody in the world is an ignorant son-of-a-b*tch or you bump, two sincere apologies are made simultaneously and two people walk away from the encounter knowing that all is well with the world!

Say sorry! It's the perfect anticeptic to heal all wounds.

Kevin Federline apologises for hurting his ex girlfriend Shar Jackson for leaving her when she was pregnant with their second child for Britney Spears.



While the whole Britney/K-Fed thing was happening, I looked at Kevin & Britney's world-wind relationship with Karma in mind. I knew that no good would come of it. I don't think you ever get away with behaving shamefully, selfishly and free of conscience. So the fact that both Kevin and Britney came to a bitter end was of no surprise to me.

But I'm glad to hear that Kevin has publicly apologised to Shar for the way he treated her and Shar accepted his apology saying that she really needed Kevin to acknowledge what he did and the consequences of his deeds and now she feels like she can 'really' move on.

Sometimes, just hearing the words SORRY if it's said sincerely makes everything feel a whole lot better.

Return to Sender

Last year, a Tennessee woman adopted a 7 year old Russian boy, Artem Saveliev from an orphanage but because he turned out to have behavioural problems, she sent him back to Russia alone with a note which explained why she didn't want him anymore.



His adoptive mum Torry-Ann Hansen, an American nurse, put him on a ten-hour flight as an unaccompanied minor with a note 'to whom it may concern' saying: 'I no longer wish to parent this child'.

Russia was horrified by her callousness when they found out he was packed off with sweets and biscuits and a colouring book. Apparently, he was told that he was going on an excursion to Moscow!

This story makes me sad for the little boy concerned. If he's already suffering from behavioural problems, it won't be made any better with this going back and forth on aeroplanes from an orphanage to a better life and back to the orphanage again.

I'll make sure that I tell my sons about poor little Artem and I'll remind them that if they want to entertain misbehaviour, they're a plane ride away from a note and a 'Russian Excursion'.

Lin Yu Chun sings Dolly Parton's I Will Always Love You

I Will Always Love You was a massive hit when Whitney Houston covered it for her film The Bodyguard and it just might become a massive hit for new YouTube singing sensation Lin Yu Chun.

He's a young boy from Taiwan who seems to know exactly how to belt out a ballad!

This is a clip from the karaoke TV show Super Star Avenue.

He's pretty good isn't he!

The Pessary and the Panty-Pudding

It's with much regret that I have to relay this story and relay it I will because I want this story to be a lesson to women who treat their boyfriends like their mother, daughter, girlfriend, sister or a big girl's blouse.

Let me make it very clear: treat your man like a man otherwise you're going to come unstuck.

My friend Max told me and our other friend Jess that she gets her boyfriend to apply (I'll use the word apply in this instance)... she gets her boyfriend to apply her pessary when she's got thrush. Well Jesus take the wheel!

Oh, I forgot to add this warning earlier. Men, look away now. Close this web-site, shut this window and open some porn, do your internet banking, do anything but read this. It'll make you vomit.

Anyway, where was I? I remember. Max got her boyfriend to apply her Thrush Pessary and what do you think happened? They broke up within two days. It took two days for him to accuse Max of hood-winking him into helping her clear up what he called her STD! It took him two days to recognise that he was turning into a Best Girlfriend as opposed to the Sexual Love God he thought he was and it took him two days to become mentally disturbed at the sight of her foaming Va-Ja-Jay.

He packed his bags and he left.

What the hell was she thinking? Men must NEVER know if you have thrush. It's none of their business. Don't try to explain it; you might as well be speaking Latin; and please of all things, don't ask him how to help you cure it. That's what girls are for.

Max went on to tell me and Jess that she held face-to-face conversations with him while she was on toilet duty. She made him check her breasts for cancerous lumps. She would send him to the shops for sanitary items. He painted her toe nails and went lingerie shopping with her. What did she think she was working with; Mr and Miss J from America's Next Top Model?

Me and Jess both said that in the future, Max is to draw up a list of what she thinks is appropriate in a boyfriend/girlfriend situation and we'll get out a big red pen and some Tippex to edit it because she obviously needs a narrow road to work with because right now, her pavement's too wide.

The August Mayfield Diaries

An April's Fool... or Maybe Not!

For one reason or another, I plan my life's goals around the month of April. When the clocks go forward, it encourages me to take stock of the goals that I set at the end of the previous year. When I review how far I've come along in April, I'm able to do a bit of tweaking or deleting.

Read more ...

This is the look that separates the Mutton from the Lamb

Please dear God let me appreciate the 'see-through' look for what it is. I don't want to lose the plot and reduce myself to hanging these clothes on my person and start getting caught up in the I'm so young & cute moment.

This see my ta-ta's and my cha-cha look might work on the teenagers and twenty-somethings, but a woman like me who went to school in 1979! Oh hell no.



The last thing I want to hear from the hallway mirror before I leave the house are the words ARE YOU TRIPPING?

OASIS - Women's Fashion Clothing

Don't Marry the Problem... Marry the Solution...

...and know the difference between the two!

I've spent a few days thinking about how to deal with a few niggling problems I'm having right now.

The first one is my son needs assistance in getting himself hooked up with a part time job to supplement his student life-style. He's been trying really hard, applying everywhere for everything but he's met a roadblock and now he's frustrated! I recognise the fact that my 16 year old boy now wants to be able to go to his own bank account and serve himself financially instead of waiting for handouts. He's very independent, a proud young man and he and loves money but he really doesn't want the embarrassment of getting caught attaining money in juvenile get-rich-quick schemes. He asked me for assistance, so for me, that's problem number one because he's looking to his mama, the woman with all the answers for an answer!

The second problem I'm having is how do I cope with 'not having it all RIGHT NOW'. One thing I know about myself for sure is the fact that I'm impatient. But I also know this; nothing good comes easy. You don't get a loaf of bread without first kneading the dough, watching it rise and then baking it. Everything that's worth having takes time. But I'm still fighting a battle with the inner me and the Universe in terms of asking 'how long do I have to wait, where is it, what day will it arrive and did you understand my request'? My impatience is interfering with my capacity to appreciate the here and now.

Lastly, my third problem is dating! Of all things, I'm now worrying about being single instead of appreciating the freedom of it all. I want to see good things in my current situation and be happy and comfortable with it, but the fact is, I'm getting so comfortable with my lifestyle I'm beginning to worry that I'm undatable! It's weird because I'm both complacent and I'm also suffering from having an itch I need to scratch! I'm almost too happy with me just being with me but the nagging voice in my head and deep down in my soul is "GIRL, YOU NEED YOU A MAN. GIRL, YOU NEED TO HAVE SOME MASCULINE FLAVOURED FUN. GIRL YOU NEED ROMANCE AND SOMEONE FAB TO SHARE LOVE WITH". And then I say to myself being single means "I'M FREE FROM FEAR, A SCREAMING ROLLER-COASTER OF EMOTIONS, CONFUSION, DRAMA AND OTHER PEOPLE'S PROBLEMS"!

Maybe I just need time to meditate and pray; and not pray for money, magic and a miracle. I just need time to re-establish living each day as it comes instead of trying to attach myself to solving problems.

I guess something only becomes a problem if you give it the wrong title.

From one Chocolate Easter Bunny to Another!

As green as the grass on your front lawn

I was the stupidest wretch on earth when I left home at 20 years old. How I managed to tie my own shoe laces, God only knows. And the look on my mum and dad's faces when I left looked like the face you wear at a funeral.

Anyway, yesterday evening, I met up with two girls who I made friends with when I left home. Jess and Max were my upstairs neighbours. They were 20 years old like me and as wet behind the ears as I was.

We were talking about how grown up we thought we were back then because we were working, paying bills, had the key to our own front door with a fridge, cooker and TV but I don't know how we managed to get out alive because we were all so naïve.

I say that now looking back, but I guess my mature eyes are looking at the past with so much more experience. Knowing how green I used to be, I'm surprised I breezed through it all without going berserk or causing major havoc.

Me, Jess and Max have all lived through each others highs and lows, but we laughed and laughed and laughed yesterday.

I guess there's something to treasure when you're young and naïve.

And he said to me...

...I don't know why the devil you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it!
I said to him you wear pants don't you?

He said to me shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him that's a good idea - you stand by the cooker and the sink while I sit on the sofa scratching my arse.

He said to me what have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat son-of-a-bitch!

He said to me why don't women blink during sex?
I said to him I wish we could but we don't have time!

He said to me how many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him I don't know; it's never ever happened before.

He said to me what do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him 'A Widow'.

He said to me why are married women fatter than single women?
I said to him single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Men... can't live with them... you know the rest!