Miss Jones

Grace Jones on the cover of her Album Island Life.



Amber Rose's reproduction.



While Gracie looks like she was carved out of ebony bark, Amber Rose looks like she's just having a bit of fun!

If I had a personal fitness trainer, I'd shove both pictures in front of him and I'd say to him "I wanna look like this". He'd probably say "oh no Miss Mayfield, I'm sorry but I'm not a Magician"!!

Fight for this Love!

Oh dear! Cheryl Cole has let herself go since deciding to separate from her hubby, Ashley 'Free Willy' Cole.



OK, alright, so it's not Cheryl. It's comedian Rufus Hound who did a fabulous parody for BBC's Sport Relief to raise money for charity.

Cheryl's going through a rough time because of her husband... but I've got a feeling that it won't be for long!!

Apart from him, she's got a lot going for her right now. She's in the girl band Girls Aloud, she's doing hair commercials for L'Oreal and she's also embarking on her new solo career in the UK and Stateside, so Mrs Cole's going to be just fine.

I must say, I've not forgotten Cheryl's attack on a toilet attendant a few years back! The poor lady ended up with a black eye. Talking about toilet attendants, I pity anyone who has no choice but to work in a night club loo because chances are you're going to meet a lot of drunken a***holes!

Killer Whale allowed to perform again

The story of the Killer Whale 'murdering' it's trainer is tragic. But I think people are forgetting something here. They're forgetting what species we're dealing with. We're dealing with what it says on the tin. A KILLER whale; and I suspect it did what it does naturally. K-I-L-L. Kill!

It's never a good idea to keep animals whose natural instinct is to kill and when it does kill, uproar ought to be kept to a minimum. If I were a nutcase with a thing for Glocks and blood-lust and everybody knew this, should you hire me to be an entertainer? I don't think so! Unless your idea of entertainment is blood and guts on your popcorn and candy-floss.

SeaWorld must have been looking for trouble anyway, because the Killer Whale has killed twice before.

The Killer Whale named Tilikum attacked and drowned one of his trainers when he was at Sealand in British Columbia.

Tilikum was also involved in an incident when a homeless man's dead body was found across his back in 1999. It was initially thought that the homeless man drowned in the stadium's icy water, but investigators said it appeared that the whale had bitten him and tore off his swimming trunks thinking he was a play-thing.

Can I just ask here: didn't anybody notice that a homeless man was wondering around SeaWorld in his swimming trunks?

Well to end this piece, I'd like to add that a spokesman for SeaWorld said "I think it’s too early to say that Tilikum won’t perform again".

I, August Mayfield, thinks it's NOT too early to say that Tili the murdering Whale will definitely kill again.

It's not his fault... it's in his nature! I mean... look at its teeth for Christ's sake.

Being black is NOT like being gay...

...you don't have to think about coming out of the closet and you surely don't have to sit your parents down and tell them about your blackness!!

Comedian Wanda Sykes

And how are you today?

I bumped into my next door neighbour this morning while she was putting out her rubbish. I said to her Morning June, how are you? She said bored sh*t-less and miserable as sin! OK I said. I really didn’t want to get in to the whys and wherefores but good manners dictated that I acted concerned.

I said what's up? She said to me life is dull. Dull, dull, dull. There's no sugar in my tea. There's no icing on my cake. There's no cream in my coffee. There's no eggs with my bacon. There's no butter on my toast. There's no rum in my coke. There's no ink in my pen. There's no…

I said alright June, I get the idea! Have you been dumped again? She said yes and burst into tears and ran into her house with dressing gown flying behind her like Superman's cape.

I wish I never asked!

The August Mayfield Diaries

Use Your Feminine Power ... not YOU Mister, I'm Talking to Her!

My friend Mel said to me that when he comes back to earth in another life, he wants to be a woman because women have so much power.

Me and Mel became friends after a bit of trouble. Many moons ago, he told me he fancied me. I told my brothers and they decided to hunt him down and beat him up. When my brothers turned up at Mel's house flexing muscles, they got side-tracked by Mel's six beautiful sisters. Within seconds, their testosterone decided love not war! Three of Mel's sisters still wanted to fight and the other three insisted on heavy petting. Me and Mel decided to leave them to it. We ran off to the park to play basketball.

Read more ...

Feel the burn!

I used gym at work this morning. The gym at work is something I don’t normally do because there’s often a bunch of intimidating muscle-bound dudes in there.

But sadly, last night, I caught sight of my reflection in the bathroom mirror and saw an additional stomach I didn't account for. Considering I have no intention of going on a diet, I thought I may as well take advantage of my free gym membership.

I’m not a real fan of pumping iron. Aerobics is my thing. I prefer the idea of whooping it up in my all-in-ones to hip-hop than laying on a sweaty bench pushing and pulling and struggling and punishing to the brink of a hernia.

When I got down to the gym, it was empty so I rushed around from this machine to that one and ended my session with a 30 minute run on the treadmill. About five minutes before I stopped running, a tall Amazon woman came in. I saw her reflection in the mirror and she stood behind me doing nothing but watching me run! She freaked me out. When I got off the treadmill, I said “morning” to this Amazon thing and she said (or drooled) “wow, you look as healthy as a race-horse”! I was so surprised by her statement that I heard me saying “oh... you look like Xena the Warrior Princess” which isn’t what I meant to say. In fact I meant to think it; not say it.

Lucky for me, she found my weird bumbling words complimentary and lifted her huge hand in a high five. Well who told me to reply with a five of my own! She practically dislocated my shoulder. All I heard was the loud clap of our high fives in the air and thought Jesus, I think Xena's broken my shoulder.

Four hours later, my shoulder’s still clicking every time I exhale.

There's something in the 'Hair'

What's with all the radical haircuts! I've never seen so much cutting edge in my life. Mel B's shaving off the side of her head like a right one. She's firmly following in the footsteps of Cassie, Rihanna and Estelle.

This is all very worrying... simply because I know what I'm like. I'll hear my razor rumbling from the closet. I'll reach for it, take it to the side of my head and snap out of this frenzy with half a hair-do!

Love might not be blind... but it's very devious!

The Woods

Elin obviously still loves Tiger dearly and she wants to keep her family together. She doesn’t want a new man, a step dad, a strange encounter, she wants her husband. Love is making her turn a blind eye to the trailer-load of girls he was in and out of bed with.

But betrayal... that's a whole new story.

Often, the real nuts and bolts of betrayal doesn't hit us straight away. It creeps up on you and snatches your beating heart out of your chest when you least expect it. Sometimes love over-rides the thought of betrayal, but the day that the thought of being betrayed over-rides love; IT'S ALL OVER!

If a time ever arises when Elin’s fed up and says to herself “how dare Tiger lie and cheat and embarrass me” is the day that:

1. Tiger agrees to Elin inserting a sharp tracking device inside his misbehaving penile structure; or

2. It’ll be the day that Tiger needs hide all his money and stash it in a Swiss Bank Account.

Snap!

After you rescue your little boy from the jagged teeth of a wild crocodile, wouldn't you just want to smack him upside the head?

I'm scared of me!

My sister Sheba bought me the most fabulous mirror. It's not too small so I don't have to hold it a foot away from me and squint to see my reflection and it's not too big so I'm able to hold it in one hand while plucking nose-hairs with the other.

It's also got a wide stand and it's lightweight so I can put it anywhere. On top of the chest of drawers, on the TV or even on the window sill. My fancy new mirror has also got a bright light on it so that I can see every minor indiscretion on my face. I'm sure I can see a spot before it becomes a spot with my magic mirror.

I decided to apply liquid eyeliner yesterday and it needed a special angle. I can only get this angle right in the bathroom so off I went to get painted and I held the mirror up to my face and when I looked at it, I screamed and jumped back. Turns out that I had the mirror the wrong way around and I was looking at the magnifying side and what I saw was the reflection of a ghoul. I saw one large eye, half a bulbous nose and a drooping lip. They were all my features, just magnified one thousand percent!

The shame of it. Imagine if I gave myself a heart attack and died at the sight of my own reflection!

Mug me now you son of a b****!

Two years ago, a little homeless puppy came visiting via my son's friend. He was adorable but there was no room in our Inn. I already had my hands full with two teenagers and more jobs than a sensible person should have, but this little creature kept following me around the house. He was fetching my slippers, crying when I left him alone and he was very happy to eat all the Caribbean dinners that my Westernised children looked at and said "oh no... not again".

He barked at strangers, played with children and slept by the foot of my bed so by the time he was two months old, we were inseparable! It took me 6 months to tell my Jamaican parents that I actually kept a dog in the house because as far as they were concerned, dogs were meant for staying outside and murdering people who came into the yard!

Today, it was cold, rainy and I was tired from working too many hours. I already decided that I wasn't going to walk the dog but he got his lead from the box and stayed by the front door for an hour and a half. I got fed up of seeing his miserable face so decided to walk him despite telling myself that I'm the pack leader!

We went to our usual spot in the common and I let him off lead to do what he usually does. While I stood there looking at the moon and stars, someone crept up to me and said "give me your bag". The only thing I had was a doggy poo bag and some doggy treats. Immediately, I knew I had to teach this foul boy a lesson. So I said I haven't got much and then stuck four fingers in my mouth and wolf-whistled for the dog. Well Baxter charged like a bull - completely ignoring me but aiming squarely for my new companion.

When I turned around to say to my would be mugger "mug me now b*tch" he was gone. Vanished!

Shame really, my dog looks like a monster but he loves to play and would have only licked the mugger to death! Well let that be a lesson to him anyway. Thieving son of a b*tch.

Stabbed with a Stiletto!

What a waste of a good shoe. I'd have used a switch blade, but who's asking?

Click here to read more!

Men are Weird

I had a bit of car trouble recently and my mechanic gave me a quick fix for the short term which meant fiddling around under the bonnet and tightening a few nuts & bolts if the car suddenly decided to give me any crap.

Well on my way to work the other night, I was stopped by City Security. They parole at night just in case there are would be bombers and no-good-people hanging around the City Limits looking for people to kill. City Security search cars, take down number plates, ask questions and then wave you off if you act right. This happens 9 out of 10 nights when I travel to work for the late shift.

Two very grumpy old men in uniform decided to ask me where I was going and also asked me to step out of the car and open the boot of the car. I really wasn't impressed by all this considering it was raining and I don't like to get my hair wet once it's been straightened within an inch of its life so I put on my worse 'b*tch... have you seen my hair?' face and narrowed my eyes at them. Anyway, I got back in the car and turned on the ignition and nothing. The car decided to die there and then and quite frankly, I wasn't surprised!

Thank the Lord my mechanic gave me enough info so I popped the bonnet, got out, bent over the car, got my spanner out of my coat pocket, tightened two nuts (like I should have tightened the nuts of those hair-shrinking bastards) and got back in the car. When I turned on the ignition, my car purred like a warm cat. Both security guards looked at each other and the one on my drivers side said to me "I love that. I just love it when a woman knows her way around a car!" I shouted through the window as I drove off, "well get your wife a box of spanners and a manual" and sped off into the night.

Men... can't live with em'… can't kill 'em!

Beyonce and Alicia Keys - Carnival Queens

It just makes me want to strip off, put on a pair of gold batty riders and a diamante bra top and run down to Notting Hill to shake my boom boom!

They're in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil on the set of their new video.

Happy Valentine's Day

Love doesn't make the world go round

Love is what makes the ride worthwhile

The August Mayfield Diaries

Cupid, Put Your Bow Down!

An old flame has asked me if I'd like to go out on a date tomorrow to celebrate Valentine's Day. As far as I'm concerned, an ex is an ex for a reason! This particular ex is an ex because we don't get along on any level whatsoever.

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Shoo flu... go away!

I spoke to my flu this morning as if it were a person.

It was 7am and I had the shivers. My temperature was going up and down like a drum & bass equalizer. My head was throbbing and my throat felt like sand paper. Also, for some reason, my stomach was churning as if I wanted to throw up and if there's one thing I hate doing it's throwing up! So I said to the flu "sorry but I haven't got time for this. I've been in pain all week because of tooth ache. I need to go shopping for my son's birthday and I have no choice but to go to work tonight because I put my name down to do some over-time this weekend so that my bank account looks pretty. I have no intention of succumbing to illness so you may as well just go away. Let me just reiterate: I haven't the time nor energy or patience for flu". With that, I gulped down 2 parts lemon, 1 part honey and 3 parts brandy and went to bed.

I woke up five hours later, soaked in sweat but PRAISE THE LORD, feeling 100% better.

I was serious. I didn't have time for illness. Thank goodness my body complied otherwise I would have been vexed all day long!

A date with my teeth and Dr Banderas

I love going to the dentist with the same amount of passion as hating my trips to the dentist! The reason why I've become a dental schizophrenic is because I've got a crush on the Dentist. He's the dead stamp of Antonio Banderas. On top of that, he always smells of shower gel and aftershave and for me, a lovely smelling man is a massive turn on. Then he oozes charm. Not in an obvious, cocky way, but in an under-stated gorgeously delicious way. I just love his Mediterranean accent and his warmth. Also, I can't stop thinking about his big full lips and his brooding brown eyes. I don't think there's anything about this man that I don't love... apart from the fact that he's a dentist!

I need root canal work at the moment and I'm literally freaking out because it's being done in three 'painful' stages. As much as I love every moment I spend with Dr Banderas, I just hate everything about him fiddling around in my mouth. This morning, he was drilling and filing and hacking and plucking. Sadly, a single tear rolled down the side of my face and Dr Banderas wiped it away which instantly made me feel happy again.

Dr Banderas has no idea whatsoever that I have a crush on him and quite frankly if he did, I'd be mortified. I'd have to be seen by the other dental surgeon who I've christened Dr Ghandi because he's bald with round spectacles but Dr Ghandi smells of cheese & onion crisps and I don't like cheese & onion crisps!

Dr Banderas's nurse Naomi knows about my crush. Me and Naomi go to the same nail salon and when I go for a pedicure, I look pretty ordinary but when I go to the dentist, I'm fluffed and buffed and shiney and new like I'm about to be papped and sign autographs on the red carpet.

Are you grateful for what you already have?

A young female doctor, Sapandeep Sahni, was found hanged in her bedroom after her latest course of IVF treatment failed.

Sapandeep's husband said that his wife was absolutely desperate for another child and they've been trying for about a year to conceive. The couple already have a daughter.

I'm pretty sure that a cocktail of injected hormones can make any woman feel incredibly emotional and even psychologically unstable. Even without a cocktail of drugs, women can make very irrational emotional decisions that often have detrimental repercussions on everyone involved in their lives.

It's sad that this woman was so focused on something she didn't have, something that didn't exist that the effects of not getting what she wanted would lead her to commit suicide. She chose to swap a life of being a young woman, a doctor, a mother and wife for death!

If I were her Maker and she came to the gates of Heaven, I'd have to say to her "sometimes, it's better to be grateful for what you already have instead of becoming tormented about what you haven't got".

Head Over Heels

It's a love story...



...but a sad story!

Who wants to work on Valentine's Day?

My boss has just emailed me to find out if I'd like to do a 12 hour shift on Sunday evening, starting at 8pm.

I've got expensive dental work to pay for. My mouth feels as if it's gone into labour with the pain I'm experiencing right now so I could hardly turn down the offer of mo' money!!

Plus I haven't got any plans on Sunday; worst that both of my children will be going out on their Valentine's dates so I have no real reason to stay home.

I feel at odds about my decision all the same. I'm making it crystal clear to the Universe that not only do I not have a Valentine's Day date but even if Cupid shot an arrow into my chest cavity, I'd be sitting at my desk at work and that's not the place to be sitting if I want to get a love party started.

It's a tough one because I've never really been successful on Valentine's Day. Most years, I've either experienced an evening with a nut-case or some other kind of weird encounter, so I predict that I'll be better off burying myself in paperwork. But on the other hand, I don't seem to be changing a habit of a lifetime which is purposely making myself unavailable.

I'm not really doing myself any favours am I!!

Thinking about bringing your new boyfriend home?

The Dorito's Slap

No I.D. = No Drinkie!

I read a report in the newspaper today about a woman in the supermarket who was told by the store that she couldn't purchase alcohol because:

1) She didn't have I.D.

and

2) She may be purchasing alcohol for the two young men she was with and they couldn't be sure that she wasn't making the purchase for them!

She was shopping with her young partner and her son and the store made a decision NOT to allow her to buy the booze!

This happened to me in December but I was happy with my experience. I was buying some Christmas drinks and the cashier said I didn't look over 25. Well I've not seen the age of 25 for such a long time it's a shame! So I was overjoyed when the cashier kicked up a fuss about my lack of I.D. I said to her "ring the bell", "flash your lights", "stand up out of your chair", "call the manager". Because I wanted everyone to know that this woman was confusing me for a someone young!

When the manager said no, sorry. No I.D., no alcohol, I said to him "I don't care about the alcohol... you've made my day".

My 24 hour corner shop with the imaginative name of CIGARETTES & ALCOHOL would sell me all the alcohol I need anyway. I could be in a pushchair sucking on a pacifier for all they care.

The August Mayfield Diaries

Mary J Cougar

I met my friend Mary Jane on Friday at the hairdressers. We were getting spruced up because we were going to the Shaftesbury Theatre to see Hairspray the Musical later on that evening because her new boyfriend is one of the dancers. Getting our hair done before going to see Hairspray just seemed appropriate!

Mary and I met many years ago when I temped at her office. We hit it off and we've been firm friends ever since. We've gone on holiday together, worked together since our first office encounter and we meet up to touch base on a regular basis.

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Everybody Hates August!

I've just been told a home truth and I'm not sure how to take it. My sons said to me that their friends call me Rochelle. I said to them that's fabulous. My niece is called Rochelle. She's 17 and beautiful... and then I said to my sons how do your friends know my Chelle? If they look at her one more time, I'm going to knock them out with a jagged rock from the front garden. I'll kill them all. But they said no, not our Rochelle. Rochelle, the mother on Everybody Hates Chris.

I said don't be silly, I don't look anything like her. The eldest son said no, you don't look like her. You act like her and all of our friends are afraid of you because they think you're gonna cuss them to the point of comedy, humiliation and then tears!

Well what I know of the character 'Rochelle' is she's bossy, she's always cussing her kids and her husband, she's stubborn and strict and she's constantly quitting her job.

I know I can be bossy, I'm a bit stubborn but I'm not always cussing. I guess if I do start cussing, it can sometimes turn into a monologue of epic proportions. I also walk out of jobs at the drop of a hat; only in my case, I haven't got a husband to take care of the shortfall in wages. I end up turning piggy banks upside down, I dig down in the sofa for pound coins and I deduct pocket money for household indiscretions to make up for the loss in wages. For instance, if the children make a mess in the kitchen, I've been known to count breadcrumbs on the kitchen counter; one... two... three... four crumbs... that'll be £4 please and an extra £1 for pain and suffering.

I guess I can see the comparison - sort of... and I don't like it one little bit!

Video clips from Everybody Hates Chris

Love is Many a Splendid Thing!

There's words of wisdom...

"A real man doesn't make love to a million women. A real man makes love to one women a million ways. "

"Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have."

"Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful."

"Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you."

...and there's Chris Rock! (BTW, filthy language.)

A little bit of red, a little bit of white, a little bit of rosé!

I love cooking with wine.



Sometimes, I even put it in the food!

I got my knickers in a twist!

I bought the most gorgeous bright yellow bra and knickers set from Victoria's Secret.

I love it when my underwear screams I'm too sexy but my outerwear happens to be layers and layers of winter warmers. My pretty underwear is my little secret.

Unfortunately, incorrect judgement made me decide against washing my underwear delicately by hand and instead I put it in the washing machine.

I wasn't sure whether or not to put them with the mixed colours or the whites. I even thought about being ultra lazy and washing just the two items by themselves but I put them in with the whites.

Well Jesus, Mary & Joseph. The saddest story came out of the washing machine! The whites came out bright yellow and my yellow bra and knickers came out white. In temper, I threw the offending underwear on the floor and kicked it across the kitchen.

The dog looked at me, shocked his head and walked out of the kitchen to lay on his bed. I could see he was thinking "here she goes again"!