Hear my Prayer

When I was a little girl,
I used to pray every night for a new bike.
After a while,
I realised that the good Lord
doesn't work that way,
so I just stole one
and asked Him to forgive me.

The August Mayfield Diaries

Beauty and the Beast

My friend Jade had her eyebrows threaded and false eyelashes applied. When I saw her, she looked fabulous, like she'd just come from a photo shoot for the cover of a magazine. She then recommended the salon to me because I was so impressed with her new look.

So off I went in search of beauty the very next day.

Read more ...

The Boyfriend Jacket

Lucky for me, I have four of them – “boyfriend jackets” that is. Pity I haven’t got this amount in boyfriends. I could have one rich one who would indulge me, one fit one who’s great to look at and salivate over, one intelligent one for enlightenment and good conversation and one good at DIY! I definitely need a funny one with a good sense of humour to make me laugh my socks off, so maybe in reality, I’d need about five boyfriends!

Damn... what was I saying? Oh yes, this fashion thing. The ‘boyfriend jacket’. They’re everywhere and thank God, it’s working wonders in my wardrobe. Simply because both of my children have now left school and have put behind them a plethora of blazers! I have four blazers in various sizes all to myself.

My sons have assured me that if they had to wear a blazer another day in their lives, they’d take a dose of poison and crawl off somewhere quietly to lay down and die!

So I’ve gone to town accessorizing their abandoned blazers for my very own pleasure (and fashion statement). One of them has so many glued rhinestones on the back, it feels like I’m carrying a rucksack. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it looks gorgeous if I may say so myself. The other one has a strip of silver sequins around the collar. With the third one, I’ve torn off all the pockets and replaced them with tartan pockets and the fourth one has been left plain black for my more conservative days.

So to the Green Brigade who need to save the earth with re-usables, I recycle in the name of fashion… so there!

Cowell "Cuss of the Week"

On the X Factor last night, Irish twins John and Edward Grimes (pictured centre) sang - pretty badly - with the girl group Miss Fitz and a solo singer Sian Paley. They all warbled their way through Apologise with a vexed and tearful Sian accusing the twins of singing over her lines.

John and Edward's shenanigans was duly noted by Simon Cowell who doesn't miss a trick. Simon called the Grimes twins 'selfish brats'.

The other love-him-or-hate-him judge, Louis Walsh disagreed with Simon and argued that the twins brazen attitude was simply them being 'innocent children'!

Simon said to Louis "you're crazy, they're vile little creatures who would step on their mother's head to have a hit record".

Well I couldn't have said it better myself. Those Grimey Twins make my teeth itch.

Needless to say, the Grimes faked innocence and denied any dirty tricks and got through to the Boot Camp, while poor young Sian was knocked out. If I was her I'd be as mad as a crack-house rat!

On another X Factor note, could solo singer Rachel be our new Leona Lewis or Alexandra Burke?

Rachel: X Factor, Season 6 - Episode 7



Rachel's definitely got potential!

A Brand New Mr T

Former Ultimate Fighting Championship light heavyweight champion Quinton Rampage Jackson says "he's done fighting". Instead of fighting, Jackson will be taking on the role of B.A. Baracus in the new "A-Team” movie.



Now I'm not gonna lie; Quinton “Rampage” Jackson is my kinda Mr T.

I like my 'T' very hot and very strong with a little bit of sugar! I'm just thinking; 'T' in the morning, 'T' and a slice of cake, 'T' in the afternoon, evening and just before bed. How satisfying!

All that 'T' is enough to keep a girl awake at night!

I wish.

You know you're getting old when...

...you don't try to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room!

America's Next Top Model's Miss J doing his/her thang!

You won't appreciate the video of Miss J if you're not a fan of America's Next Top Model!

I get a lot of laughs from Miss J. He/she's so feisty and funny. ANTM wouldn't be the same without Miss J.

An August Thought

Trust is difficult to earn and it is easily lost - the trust built over a decade can be shattered in an instant by one off-handed remark or deed.

Mothers and over 40s shouldn't look sexy!

I was watching Halle Berry's appearance on the Jay Leno show at work (for the benefit of my manager or co-workers: I was on my break) and Lydia, the office nosey-parker was practically sitting on my shoulder, breathing on my neck and pointing at the screen saying Halle Berry should be ashamed of herself showing her cleavage in a bottom-skimming mini dress.

I said to Lydia, what do you mean by ashamed. Lydia went on to say that a woman in her 40s looks desperate when she "tries too hard". I said even when Halle doesn't try too hard, she still looks stunning. But Lydia wanted me to understand her point of view. She said she's too old to wear a mini dress, in fact she looks slutty. Also she's a mother with a young daughter and how would she like it if her daughter were to dress like a slut?

Well if Halle looks like a slut, I wanna look like a slut too!



What the hell does Lydia know anyway. The 40 year old virgin; with her grey hair, brown teeth, beige clothes, allergy to makeup, aversion to perfume and her big Coco the Clown feet. She looks like an advert for how to look like a miserable, unsatisfied old bag. She's probably got 50 cats, 12 budgies and no TV!

I think the word you're looking for here is THANK YOU!

My friend Greg's having a birthday party at the end of the month and he's been going back and forth to the wholesalers buying boxes of alcohol and other party goodies. While he was there this morning, he called me to find out if I needed anything. I quite like the drink Hpnotiq (pronounced Hypnotic), it’s lovely with Champagne. So I asked for a box of Hpnotiq, a box of Champers and 24rolls of Andrex loo roll! I have a fear of running out of toilet paper and the reason is this. Anyone who lives in a house full of boys will know that toilet paper runs out practically on a daily basis and I don’t want to be caught short and there’s no need for me to explain why. It’s pretty damn obvious. My children wake up in the middle of the night, eat the loo roll and put the empty roll back on the loo roll holder for one reason and one reason alone, for me to say WHO FINISHED THE TOILET PAPER AND WHY DIDN'T THE FOOL REPLACE IT? I think they love it when I say that because it’s a phrase I say every frigging week.

Anyway, I digress. Greg came to my house with my boxes of goodies and the 24 rolls of toilet paper. When he handed me the Andrex, I said what’s this? I can’t have this. It’s peach! He said it’s toilet paper. I said it’s peach toilet paper and no one uses peach toilet paper. Not even hospitals and old people’s homes use peach. I can’t take it, my bathroom’s blue. I only use blue or white.

Greg burst open the plastic wrapping of the toilet roll and threw one at my head and said you’re so ungrateful. But I said to him look, just ask any woman. The toilet roll has to match the colour of the bathroom or it has to be white. Plus I’m paying for it. He said take it or leave it. I said well I’ll leave it.

The son of a b*tch dumped the toilet rolls on my doorstep and said I think the word is thank you, you miserable [swear word] so I shouted at him THANK YOU, YOU MISERABLE [SWEAR WORD] and slammed the door shut in order to go to my room and sulk. I might even open a bottle of Hpnotiq to sit and sulk with. But it’s only 10am! A bit early on a Monday to start drinking I reckon.

But if I'm drunk by three o'clock, it's all Greg's fault. Him and his peach coloured batty wipers!

I know I'm getting old because...

...I'm going off thongs!

I'll wear them if I really REALLY have to.

But these these days, I'd rather have a visible panty line than an uncomfortable little strip of material pressing against my sensitive area.

They're nice to look at though, so I'm kinda sitting on the fence right now!



Yes, very aesthetic indeed.

Leave me be Homeless Tramp!

I was minding my own business today 'this is a first I hear you say' but I truly was and right in the middle of this minding my own business situation I was accosted!

You see, I was wheeling my supermarket trolley back to it's rightful queue in an effort to retrieve my pound coin. Then a man approached me with "excuse me, can I have your pound coin please"?

Well dilemma, dilemma!!

I thought: is this man a street dweller? He knows I've got a pound coming to me because it's in the trolley. Should I pretend I didn't hear him? Should I just hand it over? Does he realise that if he asked me for spare change, it's quite likely that I would have given him more than a pound? Should I admire his cheek or just give him the pound despite of it?

I was running out of thinking time because I now had the pound in my hand! So I said to him "why"? To my surprise, he said "because I'd like your trolley but I've only got two fifty pence pieces in change and the trolley needs a pound coin".

Oh dear, I felt the shame wash over me. I really need to lighten up a bit!

The X Factor

I just love watching The X Factor. I CAN'T SING AT ALL, AT ALL, AT ALL, so I'm safe in the knowledge that won't be auditioning anytime soon, therefore Simon and his team won't be mashing up my dreams!

While watching The X Factor, you get to see some crazy people, but you also see some fabulous auditions like the one performed by Shanna Goodhead from East London. She brought tears to my eyes and wowed the judges with her rendition of Eva Cassidy's beautiful song, Songbird.



She was absolutely brilliant!

I also loved the following two auditions too.

Rozelle Phillip - Audition: Week 2



Stacey Soloman - Audition: Week 1

I don't think cosmetic surgery agrees with the Stallones

Ouch – Jackie and Sylvester Stallone

Two very good looking people TO BEGIN WITH. I can't deny the fact that Sly is incredibly handsome. Or should I say 'was' incredibly handsome back in the day.
I can also say the same for his mother Jackie. She was quite a beauty many years ago.



But oh my good Lord. What the devil has happened to these two? It's not as if they've lost their looks due to age. They've lost their looks due to the surgeon's machette! They've been nipped and tucked and bits have been plumped and moved around and now they look like melted candle wax.


Didn't Sylvester see what surgery did to his mama’s face? These two need to leave it alone because it obviously doesn’t agree with them!

An August Moment

Good mothers are hard to find.
If you’ve got one, make sure you keep her happy
and she’ll always be there for you.

The August Mayfield Diaries

The Source of my Pain is the Source of my Pleasure

When I was about 17 or maybe even 18, I fell in love. I fell in love hard, with a no good son of a b*tch but I had no idea that he was going to dish out cruel and unusual punishment. But when we first met, I was naive... I adored him! I thought he adored me. He was handsome, funny and a very bad boy which I found fabulously exciting. I loved the element of danger but obviously, I wasn't dynamic enough for him. He left me for a vision of beauty!

Read more ...

The Definition of Buxom!

1) full-bosomed. 2) (of a woman) healthy; plump; cheerful and lively. 3) busty and curvaceous.

Blaxploitation at its Best (or Worst)!

Black Dynamite



Hope this isn't another case of the trailer being 100 times better than the film!

Niece of Shame

Last month I gave my 18 year old niece a dress of mine. I decided that it was inappropriate for a woman who's not getting any younger or any prettier.

She's youthful enough to carry it off well. I'm not, so off the pretty little dress went to a better home.

Well yesterday I saw my niece leaving my sister's house in the dress - she was going to a party. This dress clung to her for dear life. I said to my sister "Jesus, I can see her birth-mark". I was quite horrified actually. I mean, she did look lovely in it, but I can't imagine how I must have looked, stuff in it like a sausage - at my age!


Really!!

I've got a clean heart but a foul mouth

I dropped my bracelet this morning. It was a heavy piece of jewellery which must have made a racket when it hit the floor, but I didn't hear it because I was listening to my iPod full blast.

While I was listening to Stevie Wonder singing Superstition to me, a woman ran up to me from behind and yanked my jacket sleeve, puffing and panting. I pulled my earphones out and heard her saying "f****** hell, are you f****** deaf? You dropped your bracelet all the way down the road and I've been calling you and running after you. F*** me, I should have kept it. All that f***** running!"

I said I'm really sorry, I had my earphones in. Thank you and I kind of half-smiled.

She walked off and said "I might have a f****** foul mouth, but I've got a clean heart".

I said, I appreciate it!

Ellen Degeneres does a bit of dancing

My face is gonna fall off!

I've been using Mary Kay cosmetics for ages and this year, my Mary Kay saleswoman has hiked up her prices. I certainly understand that a woman's got to make a living and considering costs have gone up everywhere, I guess my saleswoman has to also reflect that in her pricing, but I think she's gone over-board a little bit and it's made me think about changing to something/someone else.

The dilemma is this, a change is as good as a rest. But this change might be to my detriment. I look forward to trying something new because something new might be something better. It gives me the opportunity to see what else is out there.

But then again, something new might give me eczema and that's not good for the face or the ego is it!

So decisions-decisions. Do I take this hike in price as an opportunity to try something new or do I just go along with the inflation and tell myself that the products agree with my skin so why try to fix something that's not broken?

I think I'll sleep on it.

Angels Really Do Exist!

I lost my purse. It had £200 cash in it amongst other treasures. I was planning on purchasing a vacuum cleaner. I wanted something better than the one that decided to go on strike on me so I raided the piggy bank.

When I got to the store... no purse.

I went back to the car... no purse.

I looked inside the car, around the car, left, right, front, back... no purse.

I went home and searched places that I hadn't seen in weeks... no purse.

I took to my bed!

Within 15 minutes of laying under the duvet, I got a phone call. It was Blockbuster. The man on the other end of the phone said that someone called them because they found my purse and it had a Blockbuster card inside. The man who found my purse called Blockbuster and asked Blockbuster to call me to let me know it was found. How fabulous!

The man from Blockbuster gave me the Angel's address and was told that I can collect the purse anytime. So off I went in search of the Angel.

I drove to Tesco's, bought a bunch of flowers and a bottle of brandy and went to get my purse. I thanked and thanked and thanked the kind stranger and handed over the flowers and brandy.

Every penny was in the purse.

I'm so happy. The outcome was perfect. I can't wait to do a good deed for someone so that I can make them feel as happy as I am today.

Father Knows Best

For one reason or another, I've allowed life to zap me of my positivity and energy recently. It's all been quite subtle. But I've noticed that I've been looking through the lense of a woman who seems to be losing the ability to stay on top of things and allowing every day life to get me down.

I guess there's been times when I've been punching above my weight. Taking on board too many projects and stressing out over unnecessary details. I've also not asked for help when I need help and I know help's out there but I've just been 'too proud to beg'. I've been giving advice and not taking any and worst still not taking any of my own advice. What a silly mare! Oh and I've been calling myself derogatory names like 'silly mare'

NOT GOOD.

So this afternoon, I decided to cry on the shoulder of my dad. He's the kind of man who hasn't got much time for self-pity and foolishness and he wasted no time getting to the point and he simply said:

Even if things don't turn out the way you expected, don't get depressed or give up on striving for what you really want from life. If you continue to move forward using all the excellent tools you already have, you'll get the life you deserve in the end.

Well said dad!

A motorist PURPOSELY hits a traffic warden with his car

Please don't all stand up and cheer!

This is serious. You never know what job you'd have to settle for to keep a roof over your head and food in your baby's mouth.

A well to do, 60 year old businessman drove his car into a parking attendant while he was giving him a ticket. The businessman has been jailed for three months for this offence. Oh dear - if I were the judge I'd give the defendant a cold glass of champagne and a foot rub!

James Hudson admitted to dangerous driving and failing to stop after an accident where injury was caused.

The parking attendant was knocked out cold and his injuries amounted to a bleeding head and swollen ear.

Apparently, the defendant drove three car-lengths before the parking attendant, Mr Cegielski, slid on to the road.

The Judge overseeing the case said the incident was generated by what might be termed in other circumstances as 'road rage' but really as rage against a parking attendant.

All I'll say here is I have no love for parking attendants but I wouldn't want to knock one over and have him bleeding on my lovely clean car. Maybe punch one in the face or kick a male in the balls or give a female attendant a open-handed slap in the mouth but I don't wish to have blood on my car - Oh No. But really, a bit of pain can't be that bad!

An August Thought

This is what I say to myself on a good day and anyone familiar with me knows that my days & thoughts are not always good.

Watch your thoughts, they become words.

Watch your words, they become actions.

Watch your actions, they become habits.

Watch your habits, they become character.

Watch your character, for it becomes your DESTINY.

Natural Beauty or Fraudulent Airbrushing?

There's been a few disgruntled noises and shaking of fists by women complaining that the fashion magazines aren't a true representation of how "real" women look. I guess different people flick through the pages of magazines for different reasons. Some women buy magazines for the celebrity gossip. Some buy magazines for fashion ideas and many women buy magazines for light entertainment and a bit of escapism.

Working in a field where Photoshop is used all the time to manipulate images, I often take high end fashion photographs with a pinch of salt. I know that wrinkles are taken out, eye-colour enhanced, dark rings around eyes removed, stomachs flattened and thighs trimmed so I often flick through the mags just for light entertainment. The beautiful models don't phase me at all.

I'm not going to lie; I love fashion too which brings me endless joy while looking through the pages of magazines. I love clothes, bright colours, fabulous shoes and shiney & bright things. I'm not too concerned about "perfect models" or becoming hungry and stick-thin, therefore I'm not too depressed about seeing fake images of perfection. Even car adverts are manipulated to make a vehicle look more dynamic!

So the point I'm trying to make is this. I don't actually want to buy a magazine for £4 to see a woman with a saggy belly. This I can see for free when I look in the mirror on any given day. What I want to see is a photograph that I can't achieve at home with a little Sony digital camera. I want to see high glamour, loads of imagination and a completely stylised end-result.

I'm not stupid, I know most of these photographs are pure fantasy. They don't make me feel fat, inadequate, ugly or dissatisfied with my life. When I watch Pretty Woman, I don't daydream about being a prostitute who ends up getting together with a rich man who wants me to be his Mrs and we live happily ever after, it's pure fantasy, just like some of the pictures in Vogue!

Photographs: 20-year-old model in US edition of Glamour Magazine and Rihanna in Italian Vogue

The August Mayfield Diaries

It Doesn't Matter if You Never Hear From Him Again... He's Not The Last Man on Earth!

How do I get it over to all the ladies that they need to stop telling each other horsesh*t. Stupid stories about men! You're driving each other nuts and you're driving me nuts too.

And another thing ladies, have some boundaries and stick to them for God's sake! You're making it all too easy for the un-ambitious deadbeats out there.

Read more ...

Is this a drugs bust or a dogs bust?

Derek and Davinia who live a few doors down were on the receiving end of a police raid in the early hours of Sunday morning. As far as I knew, Derek was a petty criminal but he's kept himself out of trouble for about two years. I was very surprised to find that they'd been busted for dealing drugs because as a curtain twitcher, I've never really noticed anything untoward happening around their house.

Well it turns out that the police didn't find any drugs but what they did find were pets; Derek and Davinia's two dogs. The family pets were confiscated and destroyed under the dangerous dogs act because the police said that they were illegal Pitbull terriers which are bred for fighting.

I found this news to be quite sad. I completely understand the reason behind having a law against dangerous dogs. But I also believe that a dog can be trained to become dangerous so the dog's behaviour depends very much upon the owners. The police's reason for raiding Derek and Davinia's house was for drugs and for them to leave the premises with the pets and then have them destroyed seems rather heart-less considering the dogs have been harmless all the years I've seen them around. They've been well looked after, friendly, quite happy dogs.

What a shame for them to be put down simply because of their breed and nothing to do with their behaviour!

Well guess what happened next!

My sister asked her boyfriend this morning if the dress she just put on made her look fat. He said to her "not as fat as the dress you had on yesterday".

And then the fight started...