Doctor, Doctor!

Oh I feel rough, I feel awful today. My throat's killing me, I've got a headache, my temperature's sky high, I feel dizzy.

I think I've got that swine flu... I keep coming out in RASHERS!!

Treadmill Gangster

I use a treadmill because I love food and I like to know that I'm doing something to counter-act the effects of chocolate, fried chicken and cheesecake. The very idea of my belly hanging over my knickers is a turn-off.

I love my treadmill, but I've never used a treadmill like this video and my treadmill has never treated me as rough as it treated the guy in this video either.

Look, learn (how not to use a treadmill) and enjoy!



I'm still laughing now!

Dear Lord, am I losing the plot?

I was driving past the common last night and in the darkness I saw a rat crossing the road! What should have happened is I was supposed to drive on by, wondering where it was going, what it was doing and why was it walking so slowly without purpose.

But oh no, instead I scream, slam on the breaks and sit there panting as if a fire breathing dragon was crossing the road!

Surely this kind of behaviour can’t be right.

Heir Today, or even Hair Today... Gone Tomorrow

Prince William seems to be losing his hair at an alarming rate. At a mere 26 years old, his hair seems to be not only running away from his forehead but there seems to be a patch in the middle.

Now hair-loss is no joke and nothing unusual; I’m not here to poke fun at men (or women) who lose their hair. I come from a family of men who suffer from male pattern baldness. I’m just lucky I’m a woman, otherwise I too might be one of the Mayfield clan sporting a Samuel L Jackson right now.

I’m only here to give Prince William some unsolicited advice (unsolicited is ALWAYS the worst kind of advice, rightly attributed to busy-bodies like myself). Maybe the Prince might want to think about removing all of his hair, although that’s a pretty brave move if you’re hell bent on holding on to at least some semblance of youth.

But I must say, there’s something incredibly sexy about a man with a bald head. It’s far more sexy to take it all off and have a naked head as opposed to keeping a little piece for old-times sake!

A Whole Lot of Bull

A bull who escaped from the rest of the cattle in Ballinrobe in Ireland ended up running wild in a supermarket of all places.

By some miracle, no one was hurt! If it was my local and I was minding my own business browsing around the baked beans and tea bags, the shock would have killed me.

An August Thought

Some people say that when you're in trouble, people who call you to sympathise are really only looking for more details.

Dying to be thin

I think someone should tell Lindsay Lohan that she’s suffering from malnutrition.

Maybe she's so busy that she keeps on forgetting to eat!

The opposite of malnutrition is Jill Scott who gave birth to a baby boy on Monday.

The August Mayfield Diaries

MUM, I NEED A JOB!

Does this statement mean that 18 hours in labour is about to pay off? Instead of my 15 year old saying to me "mother I need your purse; there's a tenner in there with my name on it" he asked me if I could help him to find a job!

My first words were no, my mum and dad didn't help me to get a job, they just made it clear that I was 15 now so it was about time I thought about how I was going to survive the rest of my life without the bank of mum & dad. My father made it clear that I had plenty of "stuff" but if I wanted more "stuff", I'd have to earn my own money in order to get it.

Read more...

The Mane Event!

That is some hair!

Cameroon's First Lady Chantal Biya sitting next to Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s wife Sarah.

The women are attending the African First Ladies Health Summit in Los Angeles.



The two-day summit brings together the wives of 14 African leaders to discuss with health experts and philanthropists the issues facing their countries.



Chantal is the second wife of President Paul Biya of Cameroon.

Do you think she back combs it or maybe she sets it on heated rollers.

I didn't steal your condoms...

...well actually, in order not to burn in hell, I think the truth is my name is August Mayfield and I'm a condom thief!

It my eldest brother's birthday today. I thought today might be a good day to get a 25 year old confession off my chest.

Me and my brother are both at a happy place in our lives so I thought he'd be forgiving... especially as it's his birthday and all that. Also, I buttered him up with a watch as a birthday gift.

Well going back to the confession; I managed to finally tell him that when I was about 10, I found some condoms in his drawer and decided to bring the coloured ones to the park every week one hot summer to have water-balloon fights with my friends.

Very shortly after that hot summer of trips to Battersea Park and crazy water-fights, his resident girlfriend became pregnant. I never quite had the heart to tell him that I might be loosely responsible for my nephew's existence until today.

Considering my nephew is a credit to the Mayfield family, my brother's heart didn't give him an attack!

So instead of feeling like the "unforgiven", my big brother's forgiven me... and he didn't smash the watch I gave to him with love with a hammer.

Make Love or Watch TV... it's your call

Supermodel Heidi Klum and British singer Seal are expecting their fourth child.

Seal might want to think about installing a plasma TV up on the wall in that bedroom of theirs. That’ll put a stop to all this baby-making business!

Don’t mind me… they’re obviously very much in love.

Maybe if I get rid of my bedroom TV... erm, well - I'd have nothing to do except stare at the four walls!!

Humour has absolutely nothing to do with tact or decorum!

If you liked Ali G and Borat, then you'll like Sacha Baron Cohen's other character - a gay Austrian fashionista by the name of Brüno.

Sacha doesn't hold back when it comes to shocking themes; some of which are truly hilarious and some can be quite shocking and so close to the bone that they make you cringe.

If you're not into comedy which at times can be quite vulgar, don't even dream about watching this trailer!

The Brüno Trailer

Work it Carmen!

The piece in this Dancing with the Stars video that really caught my eye is the bit when one of the dancers uses a hula hoop. My sister Sheba introduced me to the hula hoop as a good form of exercise. Sheba insists on exercising because her boyfriend is the Prince of West Indian cooking so she needs to burn off the curried chicken and fried dumplings so that her belly's not hanging over her knickers!

I've mastered the art of keeping the hoop going but I now need to move on to step number 2 which is being able to dance with it.

Well Jesus, Mary & Joseph, I keep getting a stitch that'd make you cry hot tears of something. But I'm determined to hoop & dance.

Bills, Bills, Bills!

I did some unauthorised retail therapy this afternoon, not because I got a pay-rise, nor did I get a new job, a rich boyfriend or a lottery win. I went shopping because I was told by my dentist that I need £198 worth of dentistry work done. Soooooo, like a typical mad-woman, bad news sent me shopping!

With each purchase I made, I was elated.

Note to self: 'elated... temporary feeling of joy while shopping'.

I didn’t even use a credit card to buy-now-pay-later. No I used my debit card which immediately zooms REAL MONEY out of my bank account; which means one thing - instead of being poor in a few weeks time, I was making myself unnecessarily broke right now.

Can I afford to shop for another dress, another pair of shoes or a frilly thing to put in my hair, NO. Why? Because I also have a gas bill for the ugly sum of £307.24 sitting on the dining table. The bill’s staring up from the table saying to itself "who’s going to pay me? Is it you Miss Lady rushing pass the dining room with the carrier bags full of toot & foolishness?"

I don’t think so!!

In the cold light of day… or night as it’s 9pm, I feel like a stupid, irresponsible cow who should know better. I mean, instead of rushing home to count my money in order to sort my teeth out or pay the gas bill, I run straight into Zara, as if Zara hasn’t got enough stupid women’s money. The jeans don’t fit anyway, so I’m taking them back tomorrow. That’ll make me feel better, that and a few large glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon!

Can you imagine if I swap the jeans for some other piece of crap I don’t need. I may as well just kill myself.

If I do commit suicide, my mum & dad better keep that coffin lid closed. The last thing I need is people saying frigging hell, look her awful teeth!

It's supposed to maul you... it's a bear - THAT'S IT'S JOB!

A polar bear isn't going to do much else than attack you if you jump into its house.

The woman who decided that it was a good idea to throw herself into the bear enclosure at a Berlin Zoo must have had death on her mind.

Not only did this selfish act put her own life at risk, but she also risked the life of the brave Zookeepers who had the task of pushing the bear away and carrying the woman from the enclosure.

A Berlin Zoo spokesman said "the enclosure is surrounded by a fence, a line of prickly hedges and a wall". There wasn't a door that said ENTER so this should have told the woman that bears stay on this side of the wall and visitors stay on the other side!

The woman was taken to hospital for treatment; I only hope she was also made to see a psychiatrist; or maybe the mauling will be a lesson to her to keep her backside away from bears and zoo's.

Britain's Got Talent

Watch FLAWLESS... they positively, definitely have talent.



If video play is disabled, click here.

The August Mayfield Diaries

A GOOD DEED DESERVES A HOLIDAY IN DUBAI

My neighbour across the way's kids were locked out of their house one day last week. At first, I saw them standing on their doorstep and then I saw the older one knocking on their front door, pressing the doorbell and then looking through the window with cupped hands.

After about 20 minutes of spying on their fidgeting, I made a decision. I put my flip-flops on, went outside and called across the road to them. I asked if they were locked out and the older boy said yes. I asked him if they wanted to come inside to call his parents and wait and he said yes please, so in they came.

Read more...

Funny, ha, ha!

Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances'.

'Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard blood curdling screams, glass breaking, furniture crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, it was silent. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them!

I can't breathe without you

My friend Michelle said that her boyfriend's a bit dull and lack-luster. He’s so laid back; he always seems to be on a chaise lounge; either literally or in his imagination. He can't make decisions, he's afraid of taking the next step, he's relunctant to make plans and Michelle's getting to the stage where she wants to get married, move in together and have children and his response is "I don't think I can cope with all that yet"!

She said she needs to re-evaluate the relationship because she needs a demonstrative man who's singing from the same hymn-sheet as she is. She said she dreams of having a partner who pays full attention to her every whim; he needs to think that I’m the dogs b*llocks; the best thing since sliced bread; he needs to want to see me first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

She also said he needs to believe that I’m the most wonderful treasure on God’s green earth and he’s the luckiest man in the whole wide world to have someone as wonderful as me!

Lastly, she said if I leave him, I want him to end up in hospital because he simply can’t breathe without me!

My God, she doesn't ask for much.

Fierce!!

I was out with my friend and colleague Helena on Friday night. We decided to splash some cash at the Champagne & Oyster Bar. So after acting like "big spenders" on Friday, I’ll be on home-made sandwiches and vending machine water to save money at work this week. When the Champagne & Oysters were over, we worked our way down to Smollensky's in Canary Wharf for cocktails.

A group of Helena’s acquaintances came over to say hi. I don’t care for these particular women. All four of them smile with their teeth but have contempt in their eyes, so I chose to ignore them, but Helena’s slightly more forgiving because she knows one of the girls very well – I whispered to her, DON’T INTRODUCE ME, I can’t stomach those Jezebels. Helena said you say that every time we see them… I get the message!! You don’t have to remind me every-single-time.

Helena put on her plastic smile and they all said hi. Back in the day, Helena had a tiff with one of the main players. I think there may have been a bit of drama between them over a cheating man - but they’ve all pretended to put it behind them and are now very happy to wear their plastic smiles as if everything’s cool now.

I hung back and waited for Helena to finish her little chit chat, but my ears pricked up when I heard one of the frienemies say to my Helen, why are you all dressed up? It’s only a wine bar! When I heard this, I thought what a damn b*tch. I was so happy when Helena looked at the frienemy from her feet to her head said, “why are you all dressed down”?

Well if I were Rupaul, I’d do three finger snaps in the air while saying the words FIERCE!! But I'm not Rupaul, so I did the three finger snaps in my head.

Why are you all dressed UP indeed!!

Jezebels! Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em.

Mel B - She's the Spice in The Spice Girls

For some reason, the British press hate Melanie B who rose to fame from her stint in The Spice Girls, but I think that she's a forceful business woman who's not afraid to reinvent herself but unfortunately for Mel, some people interpret her drive and passion as being too "in your face".

Well anyway, she's launched a new raunchy underwear range and showed off her Burlesque style (and underwear range) in a performance called Peepshow in Las Vegas.

If I had a banging body like Ms B's, I'd be VERY HAPPY to strut my stuff in bra and panties too!

Some people have labelled her showmanship "tacky"! I say You Go Girl.

If you've got it... flaunt it.

Maximum Multi-Culturalism

The Obama's are Here!

Barack and Michelle are in the UK on their first Presidential visit.

Here they are with Sarah & Gordon Brown, outside the Prime Minister's residence, No. 10 Downing Street.

I have no political views to make. My one and only reason for being here at all is just to say, doesn't Michelle look fabulous! She's the only one who hasn't blended in with the front door.

Yes, I'm shallow, I have nothing to say about the "political friendship" between the US and the UK, I have nothing to say about the G20 summit, nor do I have anything to say about the war!

I just think the First Lady looks Absolutely Fab!