Act Like a Lady... Think Like a Man!

The word according to Steve Harvey

"Let it Go" by T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this!

When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you and if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person. It just means that their part in the story is over.

You've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. If it takes too much sweat and PAIN, I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains...
LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...
LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents...
LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude...
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...
LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship...
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...
LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed...
LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying 'take your hands off of it - I'll deal with it,' then you need to...
LET IT GO!!!

Say it with flowers

I was in the florist this morning. I had to buy my mum some well deserved flowers. They're flowers of shame.

I borrowed a pair of my mother's earrings that she's had for 27 years and lost one on Friday. I couldn't function for the rest of the night. It broke my heart. But mother was very good about it saying she didn't wear them and it was only a "thing" and all "things" can be replaced. But I feel absolutely awful and I'm still loosing sleep about it, so I decided to buy her a massive bouquet for not getting fierce on me.

While I was in the flower shop, I over-heard a gentleman talking to the florist. He was telling her what he wanted written on the card accompanying his bunch of flowers. He said to the florist "tell my wife Rosie this. I love you Rosie, my beautiful flower, I'm going to be rolling with you 'til the wheels fall off".

Well... I still can't get rid of the almighty lump in my throat.

For a minute or two, I wish I were Rosie and not August, the earring murderer.

An August Moment

Chill Out!

If you're standing

when you've got the opportunity to sit;

you should sit down!


If you're sitting

and you've got the opportunity to lay;

you should lay down!

Are you intentionally trying to confuse me Paula or are you just plain old confused?

I'm watching American Idol at the moment and I've got an ongoing problem that's been bugging me since the programme began. The problem is this:

I don't understand a frigging word coming out of Paula Abdul's mouth.

She talks, I hear her distinctive voice, I watch her mouth move but as far as understanding what she's saying, well she might as well be speaking in Russian. I don't mean English with a heavy Russian accent; I mean straight-up Russian!

It's beginning to bother me because no one's saying to her Paula, shut the **** up, what are you going on about, run that by me again or say what?? Everyone acts as if she's making complete sense (except Simon Cowell of course).

I swear, Paula says the kind of nonsense I say after seven glasses of wine and thirteen shots of Tequila!

Exhibit # 1:



See! What was all that about?

Barbie

One day a father leaves work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He walks into Toys R Us and asks the sales woman, "how much is the Barbie in the display case?"

The sales woman says, "Which one sir? We have:

Keep Fit Barbie for £19.95
Shopping Barbie for £19.95
Beach Babe Barbie for £19.95
Disco Barbie for £19.95
Caribbean Barbie for £19.95; and
Divorced Barbie for £265.95"

The amazed father says: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the others are only £19.95?"

The sales woman answers:

"Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's Credit Card,
Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and...
One of Ken's Friends."

Music is the food of love... and Skanking is the icing on the cake

Don't let anyone tell you that you're too old to learn another dance!

Come on, clear a space on your living room floor, turn up the volume and skank.

Will you marry me?

A man ran up to me while I walking to the shops with my mum and dad's friend Ken. As I walked arm in arm with Ken, the man who smelt of cigarettes and alcohol and wee, with a missing front tooth said to me "sweetie, you're the most precious jewel I've ever seen in my whole life. If you're not married, will you marry me"? I looked at Ken and said to alcoholised smokey man, "this is my husband" pointing to Ken - Ken has white hair and a walking stick! Anyway, both men smiled and we carried on walking.

It's nice to get a proposal... I suppose, even if my intended is a tramp!

I guess my mum would be pleased considering she's always saying, when are you going to get married, when are you going to get married; she'd be happy even if my fiancé were a vagrant.

The last time he washed, my mum and dad were young lovers!

Having said that, with a wash and a hot meal and an opportunity, he'd probably make a very nice husband indeed!

I heard this in the hairdressers so it must be true!

I had a fabulous afternoon in the hairdressers on Saturday. It was chock full of women prettying up themselves for their Valentines Day dates.

One of the older ladies in there said her mother told her many many moons ago that women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved!

Well the whole place went "oooooooo"! It was like an audio Mexican wave in stereo. One woman turned to the next and then to the next while saying "oooooooo" like it was catching!
A girl no more than 18 said "oh my gosh... that means men and women are as compatible as cats and dogs".

It's magic when the elder spokes-lady meets the young voice of today and they throw something into the mix and come up with wisdom... or something like it.

An August Moment

The things that come to those who wait

may be the things

left

by those who got there first!

Father at 13

When young Alfie Patten - who happens to look like a baby too - was asked now that he’s a father, what’s he going to do financially, Alfie’s answer was “what’s financially?”.

When I was thirteen, I was dancing around in my bedroom to Kool & The Gang, singing into a hairbrush or playing rounders in the street with my friends.

If someone put a baby in my arms, I would have made it's poor little wobbly head fall off... and I also wouldn't know what you were talking about if you mentioned finances to me. I'd probably ask if it was a new dance or a hair-style?



Parents, if you find a 13 year old boy hanging around your 15 year old daughter, chances are they’re playing doctors and nurses and some little person's going to call you grandma or grand-dad!

What's the dress-code?

I wonder if Jody Marsh knows that this style of dress is meant to be kept for the bedroom on special occasions? Did a dress or a Mac slip her mind?

What the frick does she think she's doing to the sisterhood walking up and down the street dressed like that... and posing for photographs - Jesus Jody! What are you doing? You're making us women look bashful and unattractive, that's what. She's making us "normal" women look like we're not trying and men will get ideas.

How dare she make us feel bad for walking around in our jeans and t-shirts and she's there showing off in her... erm... her... uuuhm...

On top of that, she's from the Isle of Lesbos! Great Jody, just great.

Are you my mamma?

Everybody knows except you!

Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan better known as married double-act Richard & Judy are rather red-faced thanks to their precious daughter's antics.

You see the problem was Richard. Richard often doesn't know when to shut his big mouth!

Unfortunately, publicly, he did what most parents do. Which is talk about their children in glowing terms and add things about their children which they assume to be true but they don't actually know the dealio for sure.

Like:

a) My child would never steal money from my purse

b) Forensics? My child would never play with matches

c) Excluded from school? My child would never swear

d) Counselling? My child would never bully anyone

e) CCTV? My child would never steal from a shop

f) My child would never take sweets from a stranger; don't be so ridiculous

g) 20 Marlboro Lights! My child would never smoke

h) Pregnant? My child doesn't even know what a penis is

Do you follow me?

Well on this occasion, Richard decided to tell the world that his child, his 21 year old daughter Chloe would never EVER do drugs. EVER! In fact, Richard went as far to say "our Chloe is incredibly anti-drugs". I'm pretty sure Richard also said our children have friends that do drugs but our Jack and Chloe actively discourage it. Richard's wife Judy Finnigan added into the mix that if one of our kids’ friends said to them, “Let’s do drugs”, Chloe and Jack actually shout at them!

Well you can imagine Richard & Judy's horror when photographs of Chloe smoking weed from a bong were discovered.

Pass the cutchie!

My mum and dad would fight you if you dare tell them that their precious August was drunk. Or their precious August said the F word. Or their precious August told a policeman to kiss her black arse. So I can understand when parents act as if their children are the most upstanding and perfect citizens in the whole wide world.

All of the horrible shameful things I did behind my parents' back was done mostly for the thrill of it being behind my parents' back. If I could do all the terrible things I did and my parents said "look at her blowing smoke rings... isn't she cute" there would be no excitement or feeling of rebellion on my part.



That's the thing about parents and kids, parents do things kids are NEVER supposed to find out about and kids do things that parents should NEVER know about.

It's the law!

Say it ain't so!

There have been rumours aplenty that Chris Brown has assaulted his girlfriend Rihanna by giving her a slapping, a shaking and a biting!

In 2007, Chris Brown admitted in an interview with American magazine Giant, that his family had suffered domestic abuse at the hands of his stepfather.

He said: 'He made me afraid all the time and terrified like I had to pee on myself. I remember one night he made my mother's nose bleed.

'I was crying and thinking, "I'm just gonna go crazy on him one day…" I hate him to this day.'

On the Tyra Banks chat show, he said his childhood experience made him very respectful of women: 'It affected me… I treat women differently. Because I don't want another family to go through the same thing or put a woman through the same thing that that person put my mom through.'

If, God forbid, the rumours are true, what the **** were you thinking Chris? Hitting a woman is a very serious indiscretion. I’m now going to have no choice but to delete every single one of your records from my iTunes library. But that’s nothing compared to what Rihanna’s going to have to deal with. She’s good because if you put your big, punishing, shoulda-known-better hands on me, I wouldn’t be calling the police on you, I’d call a man who knows a man who knows a man who would make you know what it feels like to be bitten and slapped and frightened and embarrassed.

Having said all that, if the assault really did happen, God help him and Rihanna. I guess they're only human - famous stars or not.

Stop...

...it's bunny-boiler time!

A man and woman fancied each other and thought it was a good idea to get together. Both of them decided to have a drink, which lead onto another drink and then three drinks lead onto six drinks and more drinks escalated into drunkenness!

A binge drinking fling ended with dire consequences. Unfortunately, the man in question woke up with a hang-over and his newly found lover's name carved into his arm. Dominique Fisher used a Stanley knife to write her name onto Wayne Robinson's arm in the comfort and madness of her home.

Wayne Robinson woke up to find his body decorated with a star on his back, 'Dominique' written on his upper right arm and slash marks on his left arm and shoulder. Dominique Fisher will be sentenced on February 27 at Preston Crown Court after being found guilty of unlawful wounding.


Are you trying to tell me that Wayne was so slaughtered that he didn't feel someone carving a Stanley knife six million different ways into his skin?

What the hell were they drinking?

A well deserved BAFTA win

Noel Clarke collected a unique Bafta (voted for by the public) last night.

It’s the Rising Star award.

So well done to one of London’s finest… a hard working actor and writer who’s carved out his own niche in UK's Thespian Land!

Noel had a role in Dr Who and is well known for his films Kidulthood & Adulthood which he also wrote and directed.



Noel Clarke is a fine example of realising your dream.

They really can come true!

Young Love... or something like that

What in the hell am I supposed to do?

My son wants to know if at 16 he's allowed to bring his special female friend home for dinner!

I said yes dear, that's fine, no problem. I look forward to meeting her.

What I really meant to say was:

"are you out of our frigging mind child. Bring what girl home? Why? You're supposed to be studying for your A Levels. You can bring her home just this once, but don't get any ideas about getting serious or hugging and kissing and any of that damn foolishness. If I get a whiff of something I don't like about her, she's a gonner. In fact, I'll smother her and bury her in the garden if she's something I don't like. She'll be glad to see the Grim Reaper after I finish making her have a special relationship with my shovel and spade. That'll teach her... coming round, begging for dinner, hanging around boys".

He said is Sunday OK mum? I said yes dear, Sunday's fine!

The tourists are coming...

All things bright and beautiful... men in pretty coloured shirts raving in broad daylight

Let's Dance, Bashment Style!

I bet you can't SHOCK OUT like this when you next rave: "Ravers Clavers" dancehall boys.

I'm not sorry...

...says Carol Thatcher over Golliwog remark.

What the devil was Carol Thatcher, daughter of Baroness Margaret Thatcher thinking when she referred to a tennis player's hairstyle as that resembling a golliwog.

Whether she was in the Green-room (the lounge where guests and presenters relax before and after they go in front of the cameras) at the BBC, or on the telephone to one of her girl-friends or whispering the words "golliwog" into her pillow in bed, it's still an offensive term. End of... !



Picture: Tennis Player Gaël Monfils

Carol said she's not saying sorry because she's got nothing to be sorry for and she's baffled by all the fuss!

People who know her and are close to her are claiming that she's not racist at all. Well if she's not racist AT ALL why, for the life of me, would she "in jest" refer to someone or their hair-style as looking like a golliwog? It's a derogatory term which dropped out of circulation years ago due to its racist connotations.

The last time I was called a WOG, it was 1979 and the ignorant little boy ended up dazed and confused when I made it very clear that that was the first and the last time he would use such a feisty term when referring to me!

Going back to Ms Thatcher, if she wants to call someone a golliwog, it's entirely up to her. If that's what she thought, that's what she thought. Loads of people are racist or make racist remarks behind closed doors - she's certainly not denying that she said it, nor is she sorry so I guess she wants it to all blow over and go away and leave her alone and we ought to stop making a big deal about simple words said in the privacy of the Green Room!

The BBC don't see her comment as a 'private joke' because they've shown their disdain by banning her from The One Show!

Carol can only learn one thing from this and it's if you want to make derogatory remarks about people, be careful who you do it in front of. Not everyone thinks that the term golliwog is ha, ha, ha, very funny!

If you call me a golliwog it's up to you but don't complain when you're faced with consequences you never imagined.

A letter of complaint to Virgin/Richard Branson

The following letter was received by the Virgin Atlantic customer complaints team and is currently being hailed on news blogs as possibly the funniest customer complaint letter ever.

Click here to see the letter of complaint.

It's snowing like a B**** in London!

Snow's wonderful if you're an Eskimo and you need to build a three bedroom igloo.

Snow is also wonderful if you're living the good life and you're skiing in Switzerland.

Snow's great if you're a child who's off school due to the bad weather and you're happy enough to have a snow fight with your friends or build a snow-man.

It's beautiful if you're watching the snow fall from the warmth and safety of your bedroom window, wrapped up in your duvet, drinking hot chocolate with your heating on full blast.

It's not so wonderful if you're my friend Cora who was ejected from a taxi last night in the middle of a blizzard, three miles away from home. The taxi got stuck with its tyres going around and around but the car wouldn't and couldn't move. Unfortunately, it was 3am in the morning, she'd just finished a 12 hour shift at work and she was dying to pee and she had a long walk home. Now the following sentence isn't very nice; but this is what happened next - Cora's bladder had no sense of timing because it needed emptying well before she'd make it home. In her words she was bursting, so in the middle of the night, in the middle of the snow, in the middle of the street, Cora had no choice but to make a horrible yellow patch in the snow. Poor Cora!

I wish she didn't tell me that. I know people have to off-load, but it's not a pretty picture and it's now embedded in my mind.

An August Moment

Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery
Today is a gift
That's why it's called the present