New Years Resolution

Last year my list was short and to the point but this year, I've got a list twice the size of last year so let's go.

No. 1) At the end of 2007, I said a good New Year's Resolution is DO NOT GOSSIP. That worked very well but I still listened. I was listening to gossip and promising to keep my mouth shut, which I adhered to but listening is still par-taking so this year my New Year's Resolution No. 1 is stay away from tittle tattle.

No. 2) I'm not a doormat, I'm a motherf***** PERSIAN RUG. Treat me accordingly. If you can't; won't or don't, we can't hang out!

No. 3) No more "...erm...". The word erm which is not in the dictionary is my way of saying let me see how I can edit this statement so it suits you! I'm going to say what I REALLY mean - unedited. Erm gives me the pause to look up to the sky and say well how does this sound. Frig how it sounds. Take it or leave it alone.

No. 4) No more dress down day. People are starting to think I've got problems when I dress like I just don't care. I do care, so it's about time my attire gets married to my thought process - happy mind = happy wardrobe!

No. 5) Look at shoes, don't buy them. Just because they're the shoes of my so-called dreams, doesn't mean I have to have them. I can still dream and my bank account won't be screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

No. 6) Be fully aware that there’s beauty in everyone. Maybe when you see someone's ugly side, they're in a temporary zone of hiding their beauty. Basically, I want to find a positive aspect out of every negative.

No. 7) Save 30% of my earnings. An empty purse is not worth having and an empty bank account is a son of a bitch. Having no savings is having no back up plan and everyone needs a Plan B.

No. 8) Step right out of my comfort zone at least twice a month. Life has become rather boring and predictable lately and I've made it that way. It's time I bring a bit of "zing" back into my life.

I think that's probably it.

Have a happy HAPPY New Year. I hope 2009 brings you all the wonderful things you wish for and if they don't come to you, go and get it. NOW!! There's plenty of time not to live life when you're dead.

Be Nice to your Kids

I’m being nice to my kids, I love them but they're getting old now. Cultivating a life of their own. Interested in girls. Thinking seriously about what to do for a living. Exhibiting completely different tastes to mine. But I still have to be nice. Want to know why?

Those boys are fully responsible for what happens to me when I get old and infirm and loose my marbles.

They're in charge of whether or not I go into a care home or I'm looked after by them when I'm dribbling and talking to my slippers.

If I end up in a nasty old people's home in a bed covered in my brown mistake; with care workers feeding me soup made out of dish-water once every two days it's because I wasn't nice to my kids.

When I get old I want them to put me in a nice warm granny flat with an adjoining door to their living room!

I made it...

...I managed to get through Christmas without having a nervous breakdown.

I cried on Christmas morning, but I always cry so that's nothing unusual, but I laughed loads, ate plenty of Jamaican and "traditional" food, danced until I got a stitch and fell into bed in the wee hours exhaling the fumes of one brandy too many!

So now that the family love 'n' stuff has been lovingly worked out... tonight, I'm going out with five girlfriends and we're gonna paint the town CRIMSON and fill the air with Givenchy Very Irresistible, Jean Paul Gaultier Parfum and any other scent we got for Christmas.

I'm about to mash up the dance floor and work off some of this ackee & salt-fish, dumpling, yam, plantain, beef, lamb, pork, turkey and Christmas pudding. I doubt there's a dance floor big enough for this mammoth aerobic exercise but I'm a tryer and there's no harm in trying.

See you on the other side - I see a hangover on the horizon so listen out for the fizzle, shizzle and snizzle of Alka-Seltzer!!

Happy Christmas... but what a liberty

I gave Santa STRICT INSTRUCTIONS to send me Chris Brown for Christmas.



He's not here yet. I wonder if he's gone to the wrong house? I really do NOT appreciate being kept waiting!!

Bad Santa and a Vex Elf

Merry Christmas one and all!!



By the way, that little Elf needs to wash out his mouth with Imperial Leather. I don't know what's worse, a cussing little Elf with a mouth like a sewer or a bad-tempered alcoholic Santa who stinks of urine.

The August Mayfield Diaries

IS THE OFFICE PARTY COMPULSORY?

If you don't go, everyone thinks you're a stuck up b*tch with a pole up your jacksy and if you do go, it's quite likely you're gonna get smashed and wish you were never born.

I was leaning towards not going. There are always people in attendance that you can't stomach and you might have to sit next to them for a whole boring hour chewing on Brussel sprouts and dry turkey with lumpy gravy.

Read more ...

What the hell do you think this is boy! MTV?

My child says to me mum, my bedroom's too small. It's beginning to suffocate me. It feels like we're all living on top of each other. I can hear from my room when people are brushing their teeth, I can hear the tap running from my bed, if you sneeze in the living room, the person in the kitchen catches a cold, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I said well if it was up to me, we'd be living in a mansion and we'd have a spot on MTV Cribs. I'd have a pool, under floor heating, a jacuzzi, a utility room, an office, a den, a playroom, a spa and two frigging wings: Wing A for adults and Wing B for kids so that I don't have to keep running into your ungrateful face every morning when I'm drinking my pineapple juice.

Further more, why don't you go and live with your dad - yeah I said it! Live with your dad. Don’t get me started... that's when you'd learn how to spell the word GRATEFUL back-to-front, inside-out and in several different languages. Cos we all know that in that little one-man, lone-ranger, bachelor pad of his you can't swing a kitten much less a cat. And don't forget in that little bachelor pad loft of his with his sloping ceilings, you’ll be too hot in the summer and too cold in the winter.

Damn ungrateful son-on-a-b****. To think I gave birth to one so ungrateful! Like it's my fault he's growing so fast, eating me out of house & home towering over me like a giant! I might be little over 5ft but I still run tings in this house.

We'll move when I say so... when he can pay the mortgage.

The Sunday Sermon: Hurt People HURT PEOPLE

Sometimes, when someone is cruel to you or you're faced with a bully, whether it's at school, at home, one of your acquaintances or in the office, it's not about you, it's about the other person. You'll find that HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE because that's the only way they can live with their pain... by making sure someone else feels pain too.

Along Came a Spider

I was driving through a narrow tunnel last night which doesn’t allow any room for messing about. If you sneeze, it’s likely that your whole life will flash before you.

Well as I was going around a bend, I saw a spider crawling on my dashboard – I HATE SPIDERS!!!

Anyway, I screamed and swerved and totally panicked and lost control. In the commotion, I had the good sense to grab a tissue and beat incy-wincy to death and threw the tissue out the window.

It could have been a lot worse if swerved and crashed the car. I could have been killed. On this occasion, the spider was killed or it’s very ill right now somewhere in the Rotherhithe Tunnel.

If I met with the Grim Reaper last night, the forensic scientists wouldn’t have a clue what happened to me! Only me and God would know that I was killed by a spider who did nothing but jay-walk on my dashboard.

Oh well, I’m still here to tell the tale.

Here's another tale about spiders:

Would you believe that moments before this photograph was taken, America’s Next Top Model contestant and Cycle 3 winner, Eva Pigford FREAKED OUT over the spider on her hand before they got this stunning photograph!

The only way something hairy with eight legs can look stunning is when it’s next to a beautiful model wearing diamonds and even then, it looks like it's about to eat her! Having said that... thinking about eight hairy legs, I wouldn't run away from four buck-naked, gorgeous hairy-legged men!! Oh no I wouldn't.

How bad does it have to get before the ground opens up and swallows me whole?

In my last minute bid to buy Christmas presents, I went to Debenhams first thing this morning to avoid the Saturday crush. For some reason, I found myself drawn to things that had nothing to do with Christmas, presents and the act of giving. I was in the lady's coat section. I had my hand on a black coat and then I saw a beautiful blue one and low and behold, a red coat was calling my name so I tried it on.

I did my little twirly thing in the mirror and I thought I looked pretty hot in the coat that didn't yet belong to me.

As I was admiring the pretty coat, I heard a man say "that's nice, the colour really suits you sweetie". I was so happy that I immediately said "oh that's really nice of you" and while I was turning around to see who gave me this lovely compliment the words "...thank you" were coming out of my mouth too fast for me to stop them. To my horror, my eyes made four with a man who obviously wasn't paying a compliment to me at all. He was talking to the woman he was with!

Oh the shame of it. I was hot and embarrased and embarrassed and hot. The man who was offering compliments flushed bright red and the female recipient - the true owner of admiration gave me the most dramatic cat that got the cream look. I really had a strong urge to pull on her beige hair the smug cow!!!

Needless to say, I took off like a greyhound chasing a rabbit feeling the heat of shame all the way down the street. The nine mile drive home was conducted in silence. I normally pump up the volume in the car or listen to my Teach Yourself Spanish CD but on this occasion, I travelled home in mournful silence.

I should have known the man wasn't talking to me. I didn't even comb my hair this morning so I can't imagine what I was thinking to assume anyone was throwing compliments in my direction today.

"I'm Not Signing S*%&!!!"

Errr... I beg to differ.



You might consider signing once you've received the "Charlie Murphy"!

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If it wasn't you and it wasn't me, who was it?

I bought 100 chocolate decorations for our Christmas tree on 13th December. It's now the 17th and there's four left! One child is away at the moment on a Volleyball Tournament, the remaining child breaks out in severe acne if he eats too many sweets and chocolates and I've not noticed an out-break of puss and pimples.

So if child No. 1 didn't eat all the chocolates and child No. 2 wasn't even in the house, then who could it be?

Surely not me! If it was me, then I've gone mental.

Yes, I confess to eating a handful. OK then, about 40... maybe even 50 - but almost 100?? Lord Jesus, I've got problems... serious addiction problems!!

The August Mayfield Diaries

Peter the Wife Beater

I like my neighbours. I'm very lucky because they're all quite nice. It didn't used to be that way, one of my neighbours was a miserable old trog but she's gone now thank God. Having said that, I also like my neighbours to keep their nose out of my business and I don't like too many frequent visits for no good reason. I don't like the idea of needy neighbours popping over to watch DVD's until late into the night while sipping my red wine, talking over the sound of my telly while eating my Dorito's. No, that doesn't suit me at all.

Read more ...

Well I Never...

My local supermarket have changed their parking restrictions. They decreased the amount of time you can park for free and increased the sum of the parking fine.

Now I'm not going to lie. I was aware that the parking restrictions had changed but a temporary lapse in my memory made me forget that I had to get out of there by 5pm. On top of that, I was heading for the hairdressers where time doesn't exist.

When I ran out of the hairdressers like a bat out of hell because at this time, my memory lapse had been taken over by the clarity of a parking fine, but I was too late. 18 minutes late to be exact.

I waited for two weeks for my £70 fine to drop through the letter box. Well unfortunately, it came this morning. When I opened the letter from Maestro Car Parks this morning, they rightly told me off and then I had to re-read the following sentence "...on this occasion, we have issued a warning but the next time you will receive a fine."

What a shock! A fabulous shock. I can't believe it. I'm tempted to send them a Christmas card or a thank you note. I'm a very happy and relieved bunny today.

When it snows...

...try to make sure that this doesn't happen to you when you attempt to get the snow off your windscreen and windows!

Give me a Ring

I found an expensive looking ring in the ladies at work. I couldn't believe my luck! Well that was my initial thoughts as I tried it on, held my hand up to the light, looked inside - don't ask me what I was looking for. I kept the ring on, left the ladies and went straight down to reception. I took off the ring and explained to the lady at reception that I found the ring, where and what time and said I would send an email to everyone on my floor and let them know that something was lost, who now has possession of it and if they can describe it, it will then be handed over.

When I got into the lift to go back to my floor, I looked at my reflection in the surrounding mirror and gave myself a "what the hell just happened" look. Everything that happened seemed to have taken place on autopilot. My egocentric self had every intention of keeping the ring, yet still my compassionate side wasn't having any of it. Thank God I'm ruled by compassion and not ego.

My sister-in-law lost her diamond eternity ring about three weeks ago on a Hen night under the same circumstances and she's never seen her ring since the day she put it down next to the sink in a ladies loo to wash her hands.

May I suggest ladies that you put your ring in your mouth, yes... I said in your mouth or between your teeth while you're washing your hands so that your nearest and dearest won't have to hear your jibber-jabber because you had an absence of mind!

Feeling the Pinch

I knew my boss was up to something unusual when he called me at home a few weeks ago.

Turns out that I'm going to have to sign my name on the dotted line and agree to a pay cut! Well agreeing to a cut in salary is better than getting my P45, so sign I will.

The way I look at it is my glass is still half full and not half empty. I'm employed and it could have been a lot worse.

It's got me thinking... I must invest in a bigger glass!

Take 'em off Shorty

When should men wear Cuban Heels?



NEVER, EVER, EVER, that's when!




You might as well tell the world that you use Viagra, dye your hair and regularly get a back, sack & crack. Yikky icky, icky!

No Man is an Island

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labour. If they fall, one will lift up his companion, but woe to him who is alone when he falls. For he has no one to help him up.

Ecclesiastes 4: 9-10

This is why single people are constantly in pursuit of finding a soul-mate, because the bible says so, so there!

Hey Sexy Mama!

I called my mum this morning and she was moaning about not being called every day by her children and no one would ever know if she were dead or alive. Well I beg to differ because my dad's always at home and I'm sure he'd notice if she was slumped on the living room floor clutching at her heart.

During the conversation, I got roped into us going on a shopping trip. Me and my mum are not ideal shopping partners. We're both indecisive so it's one long frustrating drama of "do you like this", "shall I buy that", "was the other one better", "is £34.99 too expensive". Plus the weather's freezing at the moment so I wasn't happy about going shopping at all. But I had to, she's my mother.

After we walked the length and breadth of the High Street, we got back to the car-park and some men approached me to see if I wanted my car washed. When I said no, one of them then turned to my mum and said hey sweet mama! Well I could have sworn my mum flicked her braids back and fluttered her eyelashes and licked her lips and before I knew it, the car wash man and my mum were flirting. He was asking when last she went on a date and if anyone would mind if they exchanged numbers. Well I sat in the car, surly like a child and then held my hand on the horn. A few seconds later, my mum appeared all flustered and giggly and then put her mother-hat back on and said "how rude, don't you dare rush me, I gave you life, not the other way around".

I didn't know how to feel. I was all confused. I've never in my whole life seen my mother being chatted up! And she loved it. Well I guess she's not just a mum and wife, she's also a woman and we all know women love compliments, that's how most of us get pregnant. All a man has to say is you've got a lovely smile and 9 months later, we're breast feeding.

When I got to my mum and dad's house, my dad was sitting in the armchair watching Deal or No Deal! When my mum took her coat off, she was wearing a sheer blouse, lacy bra, jeans and ankle boots. Who's this sex kitten I thought. Even worse was to come. I was horrified when my mum took off her boots and her toe nails were painted pink with silver air brushing and diamante stones. Does she not know she's a pensioner?

My dad better wake up because it looks like Mrs Mayfield has found her mojo.

The August Mayfield Diaries

What do Kids Know?

Why do people ... I ought to rephrase that; why do I insist on asking for opinions, only to be saddened by the response? There's a 50/50 chance that I'm going to hear something I really would rather not hear so I'm better off not asking and trusting my own judgement.

Read more ...

10, Ten, 10 & Ten again

My friend has decided to train as a Life Coach. She explained in detail what they do and I must say, I could do with a bit of life coaching myself. I wouldn't ask Mary to do it because we'd end up laughing and messing about and trying to put the world to rights instead of seriously sorting my life out.

I read up on Life Coaching just to get some more information and one of the pieces of literature I came across said something about the Ten, 10, Ten & 10 rule. It went on to explain how to make important decisions and thinking about how the decision you make might affect your life in 10 minutes, 10 days, 10 months and 10 years.

I guess it allows you to put important decisions into perspective and I for one will be using the Ten rule in my life from now on.