I can't compete with Sagittarians... they're way too special!

OK Sagi's... it's your time to shine - it your birthday season.

While I'm giving a shout out, I'd like to send a dedication to my sister Sheba.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY - HOW'S IT FEEL TO BE 107?

She's the perfect sister. She's loyal and reliable. We've never fallen out - YET - there's still time for that. She's brutally honest. She'd fight The Incredible Hulk for me. She's very witty and makes me laugh loads. She makes herself very clear. I never walk away from a conversation with her thinking uhh? She's a hard working, out spoken, forth-right skinny pretty bitch! Did I say that...? and if she decided to be an outlaw and end up in prison, I'd steal the crown jewels just to share a cell with her.

Is that you Comeuppance? Come in, take a seat!

My cousin Caroline just called. She said to me, do you remember that horrible guy you went out with when we were about 18 or 19, you know the one. You bought him a gold ring for Christmas and he pawned it and you cried for weeks. I said oh yes, I remember, he smelt of body odour and everyone warned me about him because he was a thief, but I carried on seeing him because I was so green and naïve back then. I was as green as the grass at Battersea Park. She said yes, that’s right. She said I've just heard that he’s been sent to prison. Well Caroline, I said, good… best place for him, that snake. I hope he rots in there. I hope he serves 100 years. That’s what you get when you pawn people’s rings and act like a prick.

I’m not bitter!

Does my presence on this planet offend you little man?

I was walking down the high street yesterday afternoon and I noticed that way up ahead, a man was giving out flyers. As I got closer, I noticed that he was handing them out in front of a new Chinese restaurant.

He handed out a flyer to the woman who was a few steps ahead of me. As I got within touching distance to him, he withdrew his hand really quickly. I looked up at the shop front sign just to make sure I hadn't passed a tanning salon (you can see from the moon that I don't need a tan) and I looked at him and he averted his eyes so I carried on walking. I looked behind me and the horrible little pinched-faced man then handed out what I now know was a menu to the couple who were behind me!

The quick withdrawal of his hand made it very clear that he didn't want the likes of me ordering take-aways from "Very Nice Rice" Chinese restaurant. Well Very Nice Rice can keep their chicken chow mein and special fried whatever and that horrible little man can stick his chopsticks up his ****!

I have a good mind to call my friend Derek who works for Environmental Health to sort me out with a box of cockroaches. I'd go down to Very Nice Rice and let the roaches loose in a heart-beat if I wasn't revolted by creepy crawlies.

Every now and then, I'm reminded of how ugly some people can be when they recoil at my very existence! It takes a lot of grace not to stoop down to ignorant levels i.e. a box of cockroaches.

Sack the Stylist...

... or hire one.

John, Johnny, Mr Legend. What the hell were you thinking? You're normally so dapper.

Dickie bow tie, cute suit... and trousers tucked into boots? I don't get it. Really, I don't. Help me to get it Johnny, help me!

Single Ladies (Put a Ring on it)

Beyonce's started a new dance craze.

This clip goes to show that anyone can dance like a Diva.

Single Ladies video.

Magic Knickers also known as Hallelujah Drawers

They're not magic. They're masses of elastic or elastane or Lycra or all of the above - all bound up in a contraption made to kill you.

They're so tight that you can barely breath. I guess one good thing it does is when you eat, because your whole stomach is bound like a mummy, you feel full really quickly. I ate a bread roll when I was out for dinner last week and within minutes, a little lump was protruding from beneath my dress like an egg-shaped mound.

When I was walking out of the restaurant to my car, I started to get breathless. The thing was so tight around my diaphragm that I started suffering from 50% lung function.

When I removed the suffocator, or should I say when I burst out of it, I had welts down my sides where the stitching was pressing into my ample flesh. I must say, while wearing the Magic Knickers, my side profile looked pretty cute.

Ahh... Fiddy!

I saw 50 Cent on the Tyra Banks show and I blow hot and cold about him because I like his music - sometimes and I even like his style - sometimes.

Unfortunately, I've been caught up by judging him for the negative press he often receives. But I saw him on the talk show and he was quite coy and a little bit nervous because I think Miss Tyra had him feeling overwhelmed due to her confidence and beauty... don't worry I'm getting to the point.

The question came up about the well publicised feud he's been having with the mother of his teen-aged son and he refused to say anything negative about her because according to Fiddy, at the end of the day SHE'S STILL THE MOTHER OF HIS SON.

His refusal to get wicked about her softened my cynical heart. It's been widely reported that the mother of his son has said some ugly things to the press about Fiddy.

After seeing that interview, I've even given his new CD a try!

"Sucker" I hear you say!!

Watch out, there's racist addresses floating around cyber-space!

Boo-hoo-hoo. The British National Party have lost their membership list. I use the term lost when what I really mean is a disgruntled ex-member took time and pleasure in releasing thousands upon thousands of members' details onto the world wide web.

As far as I'm concerned, the BNP members should be proud of their status. They ought to stand up and be counted. After all, they're not burning crosses on anyone's lawn - they wouldn't dare, hiding behind their confidential membership information.

The BNP should be bold, they're all English and this is England so they should be free to say whatever they like about the way in which England is run shouldn't they? They should say it loud, I'm BNP, anti immigration, pro-white and proud!

On the other hand, I believe if you're hiding your true identity to your neighbours, your friends, your colleagues and even sometimes your family, then deep down inside, you know that you're doing something wrong.

Leave a Note

There's a new book out called Your Mother Doesn't Work Here - Painfully Polite and Hilariously Hostile Notes.

It's full of all the notes you think about writing or might have written when your flat-mates wee on the toilet seat, or some family member leaves a teaspoon of orange juice in the carton and puts it back in the fridge or when one of your neighbours continuously slams the communal front door after midnight on a school night!

This book encouraged me to leave yet another note on the fridge at work for the phantom food thief who steals people's dinners, drinks, yogurts, milk or whatever. This time, my lamb casserole went missing in its entirety, including my mother's Pyrex dish.

Alright, I made the dog food bit up, but I hope the thief found and read the note and puked all over his Thomas Pink shirt, the little s***!

Jealous or Mayfieldly Mystified?

This morning; a crisp November morning on the way home from work (a long drawn-out night shift), I saw a gloriously fabulous Mercedes! It was the colour of money. Alright, let me be a little bit more descriptive; it was the kind of blue that I have no name for - so I've not been quite as descriptive as I would like to be! OK, let me try again. It was the colour of a precious stone. The photo on the right doesn't do it justice, the car was "pretty like money" as my gran God-rest-her-soul would say!

As I got closer to the car, I notice the driver has the top down. He's wearing dark glasses, a thick woolly scarf, a padded coat or jacket and sheep-skinned gloves to suit the weather.

I'm sitting in my car with the heating on full blast and I'm tempted to put on my gloves because I'm still cold. So I'm thinking this man must be much colder than me, all out in the open with his hat-less balding head exposed! Or maybe he's got heated seats and he's as cosy as hibernating wild-life. Who knows?

The question is, was he showing off? He might be showing off but he's got a flash car and the intention of a flash car is to show off! Was I just jealous and would I have done the same if I had a bashy Mercedes? Was I hoping that he was as cold as a witch in winter? I don't know. Maybe being seen in a fabulous car takes the edge off the nip in the air!

I guess if the desired effect was to be noticed, well yes he was. I noticed him to the point of writing about him right now, but I still thought why! Why in November, in the cold do you still feel the need to drive around in the cold with your top down like it's a heat-wave.

Maybe the answer is "because I can".

Mothers in Crisis

I'm not going to pass too much personal comment on the women who've been in the news lately who have killed their children or put them in harms way. It would be unfair of me to 1) make light of the issue and 2) to say something about them when I don't know all the facts.

All I know is motherhood is extremely difficult - REALLY, really difficult. You have to learn on the job. As a mother, you feel obliged to be no. 1 mum, nurse, referee, judge, decision maker, boss, bread-winner & home-maker, friend, authoritarian and full of love and the love thing is the factor that drives mothers to do the hard work that they/we do.

I think I've said this before, but I believe that many of us "sane" people are about 2-3 drama's away from a nervous breakdown. I've been to the brink, sat on the outskirts of it with my feet dangling over the edge but something, God knows what, keeps me from jumping into the abyss. But there are some of us who are not in the right frame of mind and sometimes, something pushes us over the edge leading to well hidden depression, alcohol and drug abuse, unforgiving relationships and some people end up spiralling completely out of control.

I believe the mothers who take or help take their childrens' lives are in need of more help than us ordinary folk can imagine. I don't believe that every mother who kills her child or children is Mira Hindley evil, I think they're mentally unstable. I reckon there are people in need of psychiatric care all about our society. Only the lucky ones get the help they need and manage to regain their lives.

It's not very often that I get into the heaven and hell debate, but if there is an after-life, I hope the babies and children that were neglected and harmed on earth are being well looked after in heaven.

Puffy's PA

A few weeks ago, I was offering my services as a Personal Assistant. That was tongue-in-cheek because I haven't got the personality to be an Assistant to anyone.

When I was about 20, I worked for a marketing company for three weeks. I was the personal assistant to Paul Switalski. He was young, good looking, ambitious, impatient and swore a lot and I didn't like him. The one blessing was the company allowed me to take home any item being marketed from soft drinks to handbags.

The week they were marketing a compact sewing kit, I was told to call an MD who ran the company who were selling the sewing kit. Paul Switalski asked me if I'd managed to get hold of this MD guy and I said I hadn't made the call yet. In a heavy Polish accent, Paul said to me f***** hell, what's wrong with you, don't you understand English, get him now, I want him now. I told you 10 minutes ago that I want him now. NOW! With that, I took off my shoes, put on my commuting trainers, picked up my bag and put on my coat. I retrieved the sewing kit which was given to me earlier on in the day, it was on the floor by the office door. I picked it up and turned to Mr Switalski and said this is for my mum and walked out. I never saw him again.

It's probably fabulous to have the glitterous, glamorous title of P. Diddy's assistant, but a man like Diddy might talk to me the same way Paul Switalski did and I'm not receptive to commands such as get me coffee now, get me the President of Vibe magazine like yesterday, order me a suit from Ozwald Boateng - you know my size and while you're at it, buy my girlfriend $10 million dollars worth of diamonds because I stood her up last night!

P. Diddy says it himself - [PA to me] "it's a hard mother*****g job, but somebody's gotta do it".

Well good luck to he or she. I can imagine that the hard work pays off for the right candidate. I actually admire P. Diddy. His drive and ambition got him to where he's at and where he wants to be, but you have to be cut from a certain kind of cloth to be a Personal Assistant to men the likes of P. Diddy or the Paul Switalski's of this world.

Peek-a-Boo

When I was about six, there was a girl at school who would charge boys 5p for a look at her, erm... "lady garden".

Strangely enough, I wasn't disgusted by this, I was just surprised that people did stuff like that. It was something that would never spring to my mind. I just found it odd, like boys who used to eat ants. I thought OK, some kids eat ants, some kids wet themselves, some kids live in flats and some kids live in houses.

Children often rationalise differences. It's not until you become an adult that you then start to analyse why people do the things they do and why people live the way they live.

I guess children need to get on with playing, having fun and learning as they go along - they don't need to get bogged down with psychoanalysis.

It's only now that I think to myself, what the hell was going on in the MacDonald household to make that girl want to do something like that. In this day and age, if the authorities found out what she was doing, they'd probably investigate her parents. That's a big PROBABLY. A lot of family drama slips through the Social Services net.

Anywway... I still see the girl in question from time to time. She's now married with children and doesn't look at all like she's gone on to pole-dancing or prostitution! Unfortunately, every time I see her, I remember her for what she used to do in the playground all those years ago and it's quite possible that she's totally forgotten about what she once did to earn extra tuck-shop money, but even when I'm 101, if I see her, I'm going to remember her as the girl who used to charge boys 5p for her little playground peep show.

Who’s calling please? My Manager. Oh!

What does it mean when my manager calls me at 8 o’clock on a Sunday night; not to ask me to come in early or did I send that very important email to New York on Friday? Oh no, he said and I quote “I’m just checking that I have the correct telephone number for everyone in our department, nothing to worry about”.

Well I am worried and I want to utter the words “what the devil are you talking about… checking mobiles and not to worry? Is this some sort of code or a plan to feel-out who you need to get rid of due to the Economic Down-turn?”

By the time the right words came about, he was gone. I hate it when I develop the inability to talk due to my brain trying to figure out whether I should edit my words versus tell it like it is and then I end up not saying anything at all. What a son of a b****!

So another missed verbal opportunity due to psychological laryngitis.

I still don’t know what he was after. Apparently, he really was checking everyone’s telephone number because I wasn’t the only one to get a call. But if he wanted to have us all like a bunch of cats on a hot tinned roof, not knowing whether jobs are safe or not, he’s got what he wanted.

Pearls of Wisdom

1. What you put out comes back all the time, no matter what.

2. You define your own life. Don't let other people write your script.

3. Whatever someone did to you in the past has no power over the present. Only you give it power.

4. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. (A lesson from Maya Angelou)

5. Worrying is wasted time. Use the same energy for doing something about whatever worries you.

6. What you believe has more power than what you dream or wish or hope for. You become what you believe.

7. If the only prayer you ever say is thank you, that will be enough. (From the German theologian and humanist Meister Eckhart.)

8. The happiness you feel is in direct proportion to the love you give.

9. Failure is a signpost to turn you in another direction.

10. If you make a choice that goes against what everyone else thinks, the world will not fall apart.

11. Trust your instincts. Intuition doesn't lie.

12. Love yourself and then learn to extend that love to others in every encounter.

13. Let passion drive your profession.

14. Find a way to get paid for doing what you love. Then every pay-cheque will be a bonus.

15. Love doesn't hurt. If feels really good.

16. Every day brings a chance to start over.

17. Being a mother is the hardest job on earth. Women everywhere must declare it so.

18. Doubt means don't. Don't move. Don't answer. Don't rush forward.

19. When you don't know what to do, get still. The answer will come.

20. "Trouble don't last always." (A line from a Spiritual, which calls to mind another favourite: This too shall pass.)

Excerpt from the November 2008 Edition of O - The Oprah Magazine

Formula One Champion

Congratulations to Formula One’s youngest ever World Champion, Lewis Hamilton. Well done too to his father Anthony Hamilton who’s been there every step of the way.

Who would have thought that a Go-Kart as a present for Lewis by his father would have sparked such an interest in Formula One to the point of a young man becoming a World Champion and a Million, Billion… hell a Trillionaire!

Well done Lewis… If ever you need an assistant by the name of August Mayfield, I’ll be sure to resign from my job and be your PA forever and ever.

August Mayfield, PA to Lewis Hamilton. That sounds good.