The August Mayfield Diaries

Buy-One-Get-One-Free

I stopped off at the market this morning to buy some fresh fruit and veg. Considering we're right in the middle of a credit crunch, I thought I’d be a few pennies better off buying from the market stall. I saw one of my favourite fruit; avocado pears, going two for a pound. Bargain I thought considering they’re selling the tiny ones for 79p each in Sainsbury’s.

When I got home, I decided to prepare a mid-morning salad instead of an egg & bacon brunch. I cut open one of the enormous shiny avocado’s and to my horror, I was greeted with a watery, soggy mush! They were both revolting. I wouldn’t even feed it to our dog. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if the dog turned to me and said lady, what in the hell do you think I am, giving me that piece of s***?

Well as my elderly next door neighbour Rose would say, “you buy cheap dear, you buy twice”.

Relay Fever... Taking Over Jamaica!

What's this I hear?

I don't know what's happening to me lately but my biological clock's gone wrong. It seems to be ticking, but I have no business hearing a ticking biological clock! I already have children; they're healthy, we're happy and I'm "content". So really, I have no need to pay attention to a ticking clock. But I hear it all the same and I can't put my finger on why it's become so insistent. OK, I lie a little bit because I have it in the back of my mind that our family needs a little girl. I have two sons. But realistically, I'm not getting any younger; I mean... my eggs are all but scrambled by now. Can I just mention while I'm here, my mother said to me two weeks ago, you're not getting any younger or any prettier when talking about finding a marriage partner and settling down (where's the time for all this), but that's a whole different blog!! Getting back to this awful, ticking and tocking; I hear it, but I don't appreciate the intrusion one little bit. It's getting on my very last nerves.

There's no room in the Inn for babies. I need to find a hobby to drown out this awful ticking noise otherwise I'm going to do myself an injury!

Notting Hill Carnival, London

It's August Bank Holiday Monday, that means it's Carnival weekend!

The first time I went to the Notting Hill Carnival, I was 15. I was only allowed to go on one condition; that I go along with my sister and her friends as they were all 18 and 19. My sister's reply was over my dead body. So I said to my mum and dad that I was in fact going with my sister and they said OK, you can go.

We left the house together and half way up our street, we agreed to meet up at a designated time and place later that night and that's the last time we saw each other all day until nightfall. I went to my friend's house, got changed out of jeans and put on the tiniest denim skirt that only a teenager could get away with.

Me and my friends got drunk on gold label beer and danced all day long. My first time at Notting Hill was the bomb; it was one of the best and most remarkable days of my life! I saw and experienced fun I'd never imagined!!

Myself and my sister managed to return home with our big lie undiscovered.

The following day, while having dinner, to our horror, me and my sister saw her and her friends on the six o'clock news dancing with policemen! There's a God because my parents didn't even notice her; not to mention that I was nowhere to be seen.

Oh what fun to be young and carefree!!

Now that I'm older, I say youth is wasted on the young. I tell young people they're good to have around as play-things, but they know nothing about life.

Don't mind me, I'm just jealous.

Have you heard the one about...

...two cannibals eating a clown? One says to the other 'does this taste funny to you?'

Courtesy of Tommy Cooper

New Name for Lightning

Usain Bolt

Modern Definition of the "Moon Walk"

When a man (or woman) is in your life but they’re secretly on their way out. What they're really doing is facing you so you don't know their game, but they're walking away from you in the other direction! He or she gives the impression that they’re still there for you, but sweetheart… that moonwalker’s about to walk right out that door right before your very eyes!!

The Birthday

I had one of the best birthdays of my life yesterday.

ALL of my friends and family gave me the time of my life and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for my lovely cards, the phone calls, text messages, emails and generous gifts.

Thank you!

They say you can't choose your family; cousins included (thank you Ryan Technology KING) but if given the choice, I'd choose each and every one of them again.

I was placed last in the sibling chain and Oh What a Pleasure it is to be the baby of a huge family. But it's not just the benefits of being spoilt, it's also the benefit of having people who you love to look up to. It's having different charactertics to appreciate too like who can lend you money, who will bail you out at the police station without telling your mum and dad and who will tell you your hair looks like a birds nest... ; and my children - where did you get the money from????

As for my friends, the people who actually choose to be a part of my life and not bound to me by blood; I've been blessed with wonderful friends - an array of beautiful women, inside and out and fabulous men, outside and in.

Also a special thank you goes to John D.

When I win the lottery, you've all got a place on my yacht and I promise to invite P. Diddy and Beyonce - I'm sure they'd be happy to rave with us in Monte-Carlo!

Friends, Fans, Artists must meet: Erykah Badu at Def Poetry Jam

Nuisance Caller I.D.

I've been receiving nuisance calls lately, only the caller isn't hiding his telephone number. He calls during the day or sometimes the early hours of the morning.

The caller is a man I knew from childhood who has found religion and he became motivated to explain the ins and outs of his new findings to me in order to whet my appetite but I found it all very boring, non-sensical and stifling and as time went on he became more and more intense about it so I decided that I didn't want to speak to or listen to him anymore.

I can't understand the reason why he chooses to call and hang up. I find it all quite creepy actually but I guess it's better to know who's calling as opposed to not having a clue!