The August Mayfield Diaries

You're Putting Me Off My Very Expensive Lunch

A middle aged woman was having a meal in a restaurant with what appeared to be her elderly parents this afternoon. She kept looking over towards me and my friend while we were having lunch and chatting away. My friend Sabrina often has strangers staring at her because she's quite stunning; next to her, I look like a Troll doll. Anyway, I just assumed she was being stared at because she looked particularly radiant today ...

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The Ballers

Venus and Serena Williams don't always get favourable press. I can't understand why because as far as tennis is concerned, they're unique. Venus and Serena are criticised for the outfits they wear or their well toned bodies, their energetic style of playing and their father's input. I once read an article which called them tennis machines which made me think that the author was trying to de-humanise them; as if their brilliance didn't really matter because they're not human anyway.

Aside from tennis, Venus and Serena seem to enjoy their modelling work and I think that Serena in particular looks absolutely fabulous but most people I know think that Serena modelling in a bikini isn't their cup of tea! People who lean towards Western ideals of female beauty, i.e. size zero, straight, long ironed hair and definitely not dark skinned think both Venus and Serena are unattractive. I've read the following in a magazine: Serena's sexiness is intimidating and Anna Kournikova they're not!

Obviously beauty is firmly in the eye of the beholder. Thank God really, otherwise some of us wouldn't get a look in and that includes me!

Jerk Sauce? Quite Frankly, I Beg to Differ!

Where did Marks & Spencer get the idea for their Jamaican jerk sauce? They could never have gotten their recipe from anyone who knows anything about real jerk sauce. Their sauce looks like the kind of doo-doo that babies release when they’re fed on breast milk and it doesn’t smell much different either.

They’ve added coconut milk as one of the key ingredients as well as lime and white wine vinegar! What a frigging liberty to call this concoction JERK? Who do M&S think they are? Just making up stuff and chucking in any old thing and then giving it a name that’s a total lie? I’m not very happy about it!

Who did they consult when they put this mish-mash of ingredients together? Not a Jamaican, surely not. M&S are welcome to approach my old man for his recipe, he’d be happy to advise them for free! Or maybe M&S should go to the Papine Centre or Cottons Restaurant for some advice on their ingredients – there’s no shame in asking for help. Better still, they should have sent one of their representatives to Jamaica so that they could sample the Boston Beach Jerk Pork (or Chicken if their rep is a Rastafari). At least M&S would get an idea of what authentic jerk is really supposed to taste like.

When I’m on my death bed, I want my last meal to be my dad’s jerk pork, even if I can't eat it, just smelling it would be good enough. If I’m given that M&S bull**** to sniff, I’ll pull the plug on the life support machine myself!

A Message to Angelina Jolie

No point beating about the bush. Angelina or even Brad, please take Zahara to an Afro Caribbean hairdressers to get her unruly hair braided otherwise you’re going to turn her into an accidental dreadlocked Rasta. Her hair needs trimming, conditioning, moisture or hair-oil and tender loving care.

Black people’s hair is not like European hair. It’s very curly or frizzy, it’s very fragile, it’s not happy when it’s bone dry and it’s not entirely happy when it’s wet. Sometimes our scalp hurts when our hair has been neglected and left to get tangled and we then attempt to brush it. Angelina, if you’re busy travelling all over the world and you can’t pop into an Afro Caribbean salon, or an African American salon whatever the PC term is – then ask someone to show you how to care for her hair. Zahara will thank you in the long run. It’s not fair to let her look like the last orphan in the corner of the orphanage when she’s the daughter of gazillionaires. Sort it out!

The August Mayfield Diaries

Something to Die For

If I saw my son with a bandana tied around his face in a balaclava type manner, I'd punish him in a way that he'd never forget. There's no good reason to dress like that; we're not in the Wild, Wild West. If I saw my son, posing with a gun or a knife in a photo or on a website, again, I'd punish him in a way that he'd never do that again. And guess what DEAR DIARY; Social Services would come for my black arse if I man-handled him and grabbed him by the lapels and shook him all over the house until he was sick ...

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The August Mayfield Diaries

If You Don't Tell Your Wife ... I Will!

If you don't tell your wife I will are the last words a cheating husband wants to hear from his lover, but these are the words Melanie said to her lover all the same. Melanie's a friend of a friend and for the last eight months she's been having an affair. The person who mentioned it to me broke his silence because he no longer respects Melanie because Melanie's turning into a spiteful witch because she's hell-bent on causing her lover's wife maximum pain. She thinks if the wife hears all the gory details of her husband's affair, she'll get out of the picture and then Melanie can have Mr Married all to herself without the distraction of a wife.

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