An ex is an ex for a reason!

He may as well have said "can I please put my nasty muddy footprints on your nice clean life"?

Well I say no, hell no. Ex boyfriends are not welcome up in this life. They're meant to be firmly locked up in the closet of the distant past. What on earth possessed this man to come back and breathe his repugnant fumes on me. What a frigging cheek!

He was the first and the last man I dated who took me to JESUS, LORD TAKE ME NOW land. Never again. They say never say never? Well never, never, never!!!

The man came to my house, pleading, shouting and crying in the middle of the night, attempting to wake up my street, smelling of cheap aftershave and the same over-proof rum that got him ejected from my life in the first place. What a liberty.

Silly man, I ask you! When I meet my maker in Heaven, I'm going to ask "what the f***** hell were you thinking when you presented me with Mr Ex"? I guess with that kind of colourful language and bad attitude, it won't be the Lord I'll be meeting up there. It'll be his Solicitor. Anyway, back to the real conversation...

Even now, I don't know what Ex came looking for. A friend? Forgiveness? If he was looking for a bit of rub-a-dub-dub, he's looking at the wrong face in the wrong place at the wrong house on the wrong day.

I hope he's not surprised when he turns up again and he see's me holding a can of petrol and a dripping candle... and not one of my pretty vanilla and lavender candles. It'll be one of the robust candles I keep in the basement in case of the end of the world.

I only pray I don't go up in a ball of flames with him like the man on the news who burnt down his estranged wife's house and ended up cooking himself like a roast chicken.

Bl**dy Exes. Can't live with them, can't kill them!