Security? I don't feel very secure!

You can't trust a damn soul these days.

I'm minding my own business, working the night shift and often I work in my department alone in a building built for hundreds of people. At night, our Security Guards patrol the building to make sure that night workers are safe and everything's cool and I'm cool with that. They make me feel safe and keep me within the boundaries of good behaviour.

You won't see me stuffing 100 white window envelopes in my handbag. Nor will you see me wrapping the desktop colour printer in my cardigan in readiness to sneak it past members of staff so that I can take it home and sell it on eBay. Security make me think twice about laying my head on the desk and having a 30 minute snooze when I'm supposed to be working, even if it's 3 in the morning! So I like the idea of Security popping into my office every 30 minutes just to check on things.

But last night, I went to the over-night mail room to send off an important document by courier and when I returned to my office I saw a Security Guard inside. I stood at the door-way quietly to survey the scene... and what do I see? A Security Guard opening my drawer. He then sat on my chair and picked up my iPod and held it in the palm of his suspiciously large hands. He put it back down and then started leafing through my paperwork!

So I decided to make a grand entrance. Security man stood up and flew away from my desk and said "evening"! I said to him "can I help you"? This man says to me "just patrolling".

Patrolling my arse. I can't imagine what the nosey son of a b*tch was looking for but I've got his number. The day I wrap that colour printer in my cardigan and someone says "who, what, where?" I'll say ask Mr Security where the frigging printer is. He knows his way around this office good and proper!