I think the word you're looking for here is THANK YOU!
My friend Greg's having a birthday party at the end of the month and he's been going back and forth to the wholesalers buying boxes of alcohol and other party goodies. While he was there this morning, he called me to find out if I needed anything. I quite like the drink Hpnotiq (pronounced Hypnotic), it’s lovely with Champagne. So I asked for a box of Hpnotiq, a box of Champers and 24
rolls of Andrex loo roll! I have a fear of running out of toilet paper and the reason is this. Anyone who lives in a house full of boys will know that toilet paper runs out practically on a daily basis and I don’t want to be caught short and there’s no need for me to explain why. It’s pretty damn obvious. My children wake up in the middle of the night, eat the loo roll and put the empty roll back on the loo roll holder for one reason and one reason alone, for me to say WHO FINISHED THE TOILET PAPER AND WHY DIDN'T THE FOOL REPLACE IT? I think they love it when I say that because it’s a phrase I say every frigging week.Anyway, I digress. Greg came to my house with my boxes of goodies and the 24 rolls of toilet paper. When he handed me the Andrex, I said what’s this? I can’t have this. It’s peach! He said it’s toilet paper. I said it’s peach toilet paper and no one uses peach toilet paper. Not even hospitals and old people’s homes use peach. I can’t take it, my bathroom’s blue. I only use blue or white.
Greg burst open the plastic wrapping of the toilet roll and threw one at my head and said you’re so ungrateful. But I said to him look, just ask any woman. The toilet roll has to match the colour of the bathroom or it has to be white. Plus I’m paying for it. He said take it or leave it. I said well I’ll leave it.
The son of a b*tch dumped the toilet rolls on my doorstep and said I think the word is thank you, you miserable [swear word] so I shouted at him THANK YOU, YOU MISERABLE [SWEAR WORD] and slammed the door shut in order to go to my room and sulk. I might even open a bottle of Hpnotiq to sit and sulk with. But it’s only 10am! A bit early on a Monday to start drinking I reckon.But if I'm drunk by three o'clock, it's all Greg's fault. Him and his peach coloured batty wipers!
posted by August Mayfield at
10:40
11 Comments:
I love Hpnotiq too! It's great. But I've never tried it with Champane. I'm going to try it later - I can;t wait. August, you're giving me ideas.
Love your blog, Holly
Have you tried Hpnotiq and brandy? It's called The Incredible Hunk. I discovered it in New York! I got a little (a lot) drunk though. Just hav 2. I had 7! Two's good. Four's a nightmare waiting to happen. Seven, you might have to get your stomach pumped.
You need to get a hand held bathroom bidet sprayer and then you won't ever have to worry about running out of toilet paper again. With these you can use a towel to just dry off (yes your own personal towel for those with no imagination) and it's much more sanitary. I think Dr. Oz on Oprah said it best: "if you had pee or poop on your hand, you wouldn't wipe it off with paper, would you? You'd wash it off" It makes cleaning the toilet itself a breeze also. For those of us who really like to be clean it is the best invention since the toilet. It is so much better than a stand alone bidet and this is why: 1. It's less expensive (potentially allot less) 2. You can install in yourself = no plumber expense 3. It works better by providing more control of where the water spray goes and a greater volume of water flow. 4. It requires no electricity and there are few things that can go wrong with it. 5. It doesn't take up any more space, many bathrooms don't have room for a stand alone bidet. 6. You don’t have to get up and move from the toilet to the bidet which can be rather awkward at times to say the least. Available at http://www.bathroomsprayers.com
August, the loo roll is peach, the bathroom is blue; get over it girlfriend! The rate your boys scoff it at who's to notice! You are one fussy girl!
P.S. Where's my invite to the party?
Rose!
Fussy? Me? Next you'll be saying I shouldn't match my knickers with my bra!
August
Good luck with the bum spray Jeff9. But I doubt I'll be spraying anything up my jacksy.
August
Jeff must work at the arse washing factory and as for Rose, my God, I thought everyone matched their toilet paper with their bathroom. M&S do some lovely toilet paper. Might i just add I can;t beleive I'm chatting about toilet paper.
Jude, South Wales - the best place to be!!
That kind of anal retentive behaviour just irritates / scares me to be frank.
Can you explain why you would you think that everyone matches their loo roll to their bathroom? Or was it just a flushable comment?
BTW I agree with Jeff9 about the bottom washing.
Oh, and I don't think you should be matching your under wear, however each person's gotta prioritise their own affairs!
Rose
I strongly agree that toilet paper should match bathroom colours. It just looks better. But like someone said, each to their own. I also like the look of matching underwear. Again, for me it looks well put together.
Some people like cats. Some people like dogs! Everyone's different.
Paula.
How can you strongly agree about loo roll?!
Beg pardon, but am I missing something here people?
What with diversity being the spice of life I can get to the idea of celebrating our differences...but.... Maybe I need to re-evaluate myself; I buy the cheapest/one on special offer loo roll, and multi pack bras and knickers.....my only concern re: the underwear is if it sits right under my clothes. My only concern with loo roll is if wipes the household bottoms and is value for money/doesn’t destroy the environment unnecessarily (another argument for the eco-friendly bum wash).
For me this subject brought up some of my thoughts on people of WI origin's obsession with all things clean and the general anal retentive behaviour (I have noted many friends/relatives inability to empty their bowels when not at home)displayed across the generational/class divides.
There is also the matter of how important appearance/image is; I mean, surely it is a delusion to think that you care about your loo roll colour/underwear matchy matchyness because it pleases you…there must be some unconscious motive to impress others.
What I’m trying to say is that if people spent as much time on what’s inside their heads than about what colour their loo roll/underwear/hair/lipstick is or how clean their bottom is or how much their excreta stinks and whether others can smell it (all excrement stinks people, face it), we’d all get a lot further in life and probably help each other out more.
Please accept my apologies for the rant and the possible perceived non sequitur nature of this comment.
Rose
Ooooooo! Rose - CONTRAVERSIAL. I'd hate to get on your wrong side if that's your right side.
;o(
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