Darling... will you marry me?

Erm!!!!

Erm is not an answer!

"Can I think about it" is not the answer either.

I think there's been a misunderstanding!

You see, 10 years ago, my friend Mel said that if neither one of us are loved-up and married by August 2009, he's going to propose to me and because I was so cock-sure that some gorgeous man would have snapped me up yonks ago, I said to Mel cool, you're on, no problem, I'll definitely say yes if neither one of us are hitched by August 2009.

I had NO INTENTION WHATSOEVER of saying yes. Mel is like a brother to me so that would be an incestuous marriage, plus he tells me everything - stuff that'd make your eyes water or dial 999 - on top of that, he's got a deviant and insatiable sexual appetite (he's told me some horror stories), he's bossy, a major risk-taker, a bit of a nomad, I've lost count of how many children he has, he's bad-tempered and vain! Cool for a best friend but not husband material thank-you-very-much! I mean I love him, "but not like that".

So August 13th (unlucky for some) comes along, 10 years on from our marriage proposition and Mel says to me did you remember? Well of course I didn't. But I said yes, of course I remembered... hoping that whatever I was supposed to remember would come flooding back to me during our conversation. So he said OK then, put your glad-rags on, we're going to The Mandarin at 7 o'clock; bring an over-night bag.

I said OK, what's this about. He said you really don't remember do you! I said no, but please don't beat about the bush, I'm covered in Immac.

He said you b*tch. We're supposed to be getting married... and that's when I said erm and he shouted erm is not an answer!