Some Slow Singing and Flower Bringing

I went to my parents house for dinner yesterday and when I arrived; my favourite Aunt Patsy was midflow in conversation with my mum. They were morbidly talking about funerals and their wishes! I’m not sure I was quite ready to hear that my mum wants to be buried in a casket full of sunflowers - which so happen to be my favourite flowers!!

Great... considering I woke up in pain as if I were heading for Swine Flu. Even when I sneeze I think it’s Swine Flu! I might have to grab the sunflower casket off my mum if I’m not careful.

Anyway, my Aunt Patsy was saying that she wanted her funeral to be a happy occasion. She wants her mourners wearing bright colours and instead of crying, celebrating.

Well I told my mum that I positively, definitely didn’t want a celebration of my life with ragga, UK garage, R&B and hip-hop. I don’t want anyone doing the ‘Gully Creeper’ at my funeral! I don’t want fun and enjoyment and I certainly don’t want any singing and dancing – basically, nothing resembling a party.

My mum said well it’s not up to you!

I said to my mum, I've not asked for many things in life, but I do ask for this in death. Please mourn my passing. I want you all dressed in black and for a month thereafter, you need to be wearing black armbands. Yes, just for a month and then afterwards you can do what you like. I want people to tell stories about me at the funeral that’s heart-wrenching enough to make the congregation weep. I don't want funny quips and jokes. I want all-out mourning. I want you saying how fab I was. Kind and thoughtful etc. I want a closed casket. I don’t want anyone staring at me with my hair done by a man in the mortuary – oh hell no! If Pauline my hairdresser does my hair, open my casket by all means! Also, I don't want anyone wearing summery dresses, or white suits or pastel colours - what a liberty. BLACK attire; end of story.

For goodness sake, everyone’s got the rest of their lives to wear bright clothes and rave. In fact, if I'm lucky enough to have a memorial on the first anniversary of my death, that's when you can be happy - if you must; and celebrate my life with laughter - if you must.

But when I die, show some respect and bawl your eyes out please!