What the hell do you think this is boy! MTV?

My child says to me mum, my bedroom's too small. It's beginning to suffocate me. It feels like we're all living on top of each other. I can hear from my room when people are brushing their teeth, I can hear the tap running from my bed, if you sneeze in the living room, the person in the kitchen catches a cold, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I said well if it was up to me, we'd be living in a mansion and we'd have a spot on MTV Cribs. I'd have a pool, under floor heating, a jacuzzi, a utility room, an office, a den, a playroom, a spa and two frigging wings: Wing A for adults and Wing B for kids so that I don't have to keep running into your ungrateful face every morning when I'm drinking my pineapple juice.

Further more, why don't you go and live with your dad - yeah I said it! Live with your dad. Don’t get me started... that's when you'd learn how to spell the word GRATEFUL back-to-front, inside-out and in several different languages. Cos we all know that in that little one-man, lone-ranger, bachelor pad of his you can't swing a kitten much less a cat. And don't forget in that little bachelor pad loft of his with his sloping ceilings, you’ll be too hot in the summer and too cold in the winter.

Damn ungrateful son-on-a-b****. To think I gave birth to one so ungrateful! Like it's my fault he's growing so fast, eating me out of house & home towering over me like a giant! I might be little over 5ft but I still run tings in this house.

We'll move when I say so... when he can pay the mortgage.